Eighteen
years later I find myself feeling like I'm 20 again. I'm rudderless in an
ocean of possibilities... I just don't know what to do or how to do it.
I missed the selfish years most people get in their 20's. Living
in a few different cities; The trips with the guys to Vegas; having
complete responsibility over career direction; the crazy relationships of
20-somethings; I never got a chance at any of that.
I
was too confident back in the day to realize what I didn’t know.
Now I have the experiential benefit yet lack the required self-assurance to
move forward with any real measure of conviction. It’s a strange space to
inhabit. Add a very unhealthy dose of CPTSD-driven anxiety and you have
my recipe for paralysis of action.
Not
that I regret the decision to marry my ex. The love and life we shared
was mostly wonderful and infinitely more worthy than those selfish pursuits.
I only mention this because most people don’t get divorced in their late
30s from the only person they’ve been with since the age of 20. Most of the divorced people I know got married
somewhere in their mid-to-late 20s, and so they’ve already experienced “the
single life.” I haven’t,
and so this is all so new to me.
I'm
stuck in this city that I mostly detest until my 2 daughters go to college in
roughly 14 years. I have a deep feeling of helplessness regarding where I
live even after no longer having to factor my ex into the equation. This
helplessness is one reason my life has been stuck in neutral for the past two
years. I now recognize that resentment and helplessness are feelings
leading to nowhere. Now it's critical that I make the most of my time
here, and this is what my post today is all about.
My
first real post-marital relationship has just ended. While lasting only a
few months, it was sufficient enough to provide me with the confidence required
to kick-start my life into first and then second gears. It was exactly
what I needed, if not necessarily everything I wanted. She made me
understand I’m still worthy and valued by women of her caliber... even with my
psychological warts and all. .
Just
dating her and introducing her to my girls gave me the ability to recognize the
power I now have over my life. It's been quite the revelation that I'm now
making my own life decisions based solely on myself and what I want out of
life. (Of course, my daughters are a factor but not an anchor-like one as
before.) That's not to say I won't adjust once I'm in a long-term
relationship, but it's good for me to have a period in my life like this. I had always wondered what it would be like.
Well,
I'm about to find out!
While
I can't exactly act as though I'm in my 20's, it does approximate how I'm
approaching this. I'm considering a complete career change. I chose
my own apartment. I’m dating different women. I'm choosing my own
friends based on my own opinions. That may not seem like much to most
people, but consider that I've spent 2 years in almost complete social
isolation because of my CPTSD-induced combination of self-loathing, shame, and
confusion.
I could barely understand everything happening inside of me much less explain it to others. Most of my close friends
were either part of my ex's family or somehow closely related to her, and I did
not need any more of her in my life than absolutely required. That,
coupled with my brother moving to Atlanta around the same time, is how I
instantly lost my entire social network. I never developed my own due to,
you guessed it, CPTSD-induced trust issues. I naturally latched on to
those my ex already trusted, my brother moved here just after I did, and it was
plenty for me.
I’m
slowly building my own network, but it’s incredibly difficult for me even
though I’m very gregarious and outgoing. I make acquaintances so very
easily. My problem has always been my predilection toward detonating
relationships of any kind once the person gets too close to me. It’s an
old self-defense mechanism learned from my childhood that’s so ingrained that I
have to make conscious efforts to overcome.
As
for the non-relational parts of my life, I still don't know what to do.
At least I'm finally moving in the right directions and making progress.
While more than just a tad frightened, I’m also thrilled at all of the
opportunities which lie before me (almost too many). There’s a whole
world waiting for me, and I’m so glad to finally have the ability to go exploring
on my own.
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