Destroyed Relationships in the Aftermath of Recovery From CPTSD

I miss my daughters so much.  My ex-wife is taking advantage of my temporary situation to set the stage for her to steal the 45% custody that I was awarded just 7 months ago.  She says that she’s concerned for the girls because I had two suicidal ideations during a 10-day span. 

On the surface that seems reasonable, but the reality is that she knows that I pose no threat to myself, anyone, and certainly not my own daughters.  I spent 16 intimate years with my ex, so her surprising me with just hours’ notice of the petition to temporarily suspend my parenting time was completely unnecessary.

I’ve provided her with written documentation from both my psychologist/therapist and my psychiatrist, who have seen me for almost 3 years now each, that I pose no threat at all to anyone.  They know that I’m not truly the suicidal type.  I was simply in a state of serious distress without any help from my family and I have spent the past two years in self-imposed social isolation as many with Complex PTSD typically do.

These ideations barely even fit the definition of the term.  They were more of elaborate, if not so subtle, cries for help.  I never made a single plan to actually off myself, and I never would have.  I stupidly reached out to my ex thinking she still had a heart, and the fact that she’s a psychotherapist herself made me completely blind to the idea that any of this would be cravenly used against me.

It’s rough for me, but what bothers me the most is the impact on my 4- and 6-year old daughters.  I got almost half custody precisely because I had spent 2 years as a stay-at-home dad and had almost 50% custody for the 18 months between the split and the official divorce.  We have such a close and strong bond that this sudden disappearance from their life has to be confusing at best and significantly stressful and painful at worst. 

Immediately after my hospitalization I offered to go to counseling and mediation while she could name her conditions for me seeing the girls while I’m getting back up on my feet.  She responded with the combative petition.  She’s not interested in working with me, being cooperative in any way, or co-parenting at all.  She just wants me to disappear and allow her to raise those girls in the twisted manner of her mother.

While watching my oldest play soccer my youngest was telling me how her mother won’t allow her to call me, and then she was physically taken out of my lap by my ex because she was upset about what she was told.  She did more or less the same thing with my eldest while we watched her sister. 

I should have long stopped trying to rationalize the irrational because my ex disagrees with every I say and everything I teach my girls.  My youngest even told me she that she showed her mom how I taught her what a magnolia tree looked like, and my ex said that I was wrong and went so far as to check her iPhone only to realize I was of course correct. 

Why would I randomly tell my daughter the incorrect name of a tree?  My ex knows I basically grew up outdoors with Mother Nature as my best friend.  She has first-hand marveled at my knowledge of nature as I’m the first to take her camping, fishing, and hiking.  The fact that she would instinctively disagree with me regarding nature when she has no earthly idea about nature herself gives me all the indication I need regarding her illogical and emotionally-charged reactions to anything and everything regarding me.

That begs the question: why do I still get bothered so much by what she does to me?  The reality is that it doesn’t bother me so much, but the collateral damage to my daughters infuriates me.  She is a trained child psychologist but has willfully blocked out what she’s doing to them. 

Now you may think I’m leaving some things out, but I’m not.  The truth is that I want the girls to go see a child psychologist to discuss what their mother and grandmother puts them through, but my ex disagrees vehemently.  She knows what the girls will tell this psychologist.  I’m completely fine with anything and everything they say regarding my parenting, but I guess my ex is not.

I’m not nearly the perfect father and have made some fairly substantial mistakes.  I guess the difference is that I’ve owned my mistakes and have worked to correct them.  I’ve not mentioned the fact that none of my mistakes have included neglect, physical man-handling, religious zealotry, or psychological manipulation… all things they are subjected to at their mother’s/grandmother’s home.

Look, I readily admit that I’ve not been in a place to be the best father ever given what has been going on with me.  I’m coming out of the throes of recovery from child abuse that was repressed for 12 years or so and came at me full-throttle in the form of Complex PTSD.  However, I’ve never touched my girls, neglected them to the point they end up in the emergency room, or introduced them to aggressive and scary concepts such as satan, hell, and sin. 

I know that what’s going on with me is temporary as is my ex’s ability to create additional chaos in my and my girls’ lives.  It’s so frustrating, though.  I would like to have focused this entire post on something else that helps me further along in my recovery, for example.  Having to deal with court dates, written responses to her absurd petition, and the stress of not knowing what she’s going to try and pull next.

I’m sure my ex is frustrated that I’m going through this and cannot hold up my end of the parenting bargain right now.  However, it’s completely counter-productive to the peace within her life, our daughters’ lives, and of course my life.  However, I have to realize that I cannot control her nonsense.  All I can do is control my reaction to her nonsense. 

I need to continuously remind myself that this is a temporary state of affairs and that hopefully one day she’ll find enough peace in her life to stop fighting me for control over the girls.  All I can do is do me and my girls will grow up and realize what their mother has been doing to all of us.  Like I said, I’m very content owning my part in all of this. 

Soon enough I’ll be back on my feet financially and be back in a position to effect the parenting agreement I fought so hard for.  In fact, I’ll be in a position to get that last 5% custody so that the girls can spend equal amounts of time with both of their parents.  My ex will fight me on this, but it won’t be too much longer before the girls will make their own desires known.  The three of us will be alright.