I recently found out my father probably
has cancer. I say “probably” because healthy and effective communication
simply doesn’t exist within my family.
I'm struggling with the simultaneous feelings of apathy for him and his plight, disappointment in myself for being apathetic, sadness for my Mom facing the loss of her life partner, and resentment that I'm unable to help her through this because all she wants from me is to reconcile with my unrepentant father... and that shit is simply not going to happen.
I'm struggling with the simultaneous feelings of apathy for him and his plight, disappointment in myself for being apathetic, sadness for my Mom facing the loss of her life partner, and resentment that I'm unable to help her through this because all she wants from me is to reconcile with my unrepentant father... and that shit is simply not going to happen.
Meanwhile I received some distressing news after getting an MRI on my shoulder. Besides finding four orthopedic injuries, a lesion was noticed that is presumably a benign tumor but could potentially be malignant.
Here's the real kicker: One of my first thoughts upon getting this news was, “this is the Karma I brought upon myself for being an uncaring ass about my father’s cancer.” How's that for self-destructive and utterly undeserved feelings of shame?
Here's the real kicker: One of my first thoughts upon getting this news was, “this is the Karma I brought upon myself for being an uncaring ass about my father’s cancer.” How's that for self-destructive and utterly undeserved feelings of shame?
It
really pisses me off that I felt this guilt and how it instantly morphed into
low grade self-loathing. My therapist would say it’s
great that I recognized this for what it was and, as a result, won’t allow it
to completely overtake me emotionally. I say
it really sucks that my childhood traumas continue to color my life at 38 years
old.
What
I have realized, though, is that it’s more important than ever for me to
continue to build a network of social supports, not just clinical ones. I checked out from my friends and family for a couple
of years because apparently that’s what CPSTD survivors often do. My old social structures would invariably lead me backwards
in my recovery, so I made the decision a while back to essentially act as
though I moved to a new city and had to build a social network from
scratch.
I
began the process by going on Match.com a few months ago just to wade back into
the dating pool, and that experience was better than expected as I found someone I really dig. This success spurred me to join two groups on
Meetup.com last week: a Dads Group that has nothing to do with my recovery and
also a Men’s Circle comprised of guys facing various life challenges
It was initially intimidating to put myself out there again when I'm still unsure of how to walk the tightrope of explaining what's been going on with me without over-sharing. This fear is one reason I remain anonymous in writing this blog (the other is that my ex-wife will somehow use this against me to steal the almost 50% custody I won during our divorce).
However, I understand that I can't control how others perceive me and the psychological challenges I face. I can only control how I react to their perceptions and subsequent reactions. I have a sweet little angel on one shoulder whispering "open yourself up and feel free to explain your plight" while my dark angel is shouting in my other ear that I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone.
It was initially intimidating to put myself out there again when I'm still unsure of how to walk the tightrope of explaining what's been going on with me without over-sharing. This fear is one reason I remain anonymous in writing this blog (the other is that my ex-wife will somehow use this against me to steal the almost 50% custody I won during our divorce).
However, I understand that I can't control how others perceive me and the psychological challenges I face. I can only control how I react to their perceptions and subsequent reactions. I have a sweet little angel on one shoulder whispering "open yourself up and feel free to explain your plight" while my dark angel is shouting in my other ear that I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone.
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