Is it CPTSD or ADHD?

After almost three years of treatment, it seems almost absurd to revisit my diagnoses and re-examine my symptomology.  However, my recent self-education in how ADHD can impact adults has been an eye-opening experience, and I have to ensure my recovery takes this into account.  

Determining the differences in symptoms between Complex PTSD (CPTSD) and ADHD, both of which I have been diagnosed as having, is actually extremely challenging.  Even clinicians find disentangling the two to be quite difficult, and this is especially true when there’s child abuse involved in the diagnostic equation... and a traumatic childhood is certainly involved in my differential diagnosis of CPSTD vs ADHD.

I'm going to start from square one to ensure I haven’t been misdiagnosed with CPTSD, ADHD, or possibly both.  To begin with I don’t need a research study to definitively conclude I experienced repeated traumas over the course of my entire life until age 20..  

My previous night terrors, hyper-vigilance, and panic/anxiety problems are clearly linked to that abuse because they became serious problems as I approached fatherhood and began examining how I was parented.  This is not an unexpected development during midlife introspection regarding a childhood such as mine. 

To finally put this question to rest, I bear the actual physical scars and disfigurements from those experiences. It’s clear that I suffered serious repeated childhood traumas and have experienced substantial complications from Complex PTSD as a result later in life.

Chronic and persistent childhood traumas result in long-lasting changes to the brain including difficulty with attention, struggles with creating lasting and close relationships, impatience and restlessness, addictive behaviors, harmful risk-taking, tendency towards distraction, inability to prioritize, and emotional regulation problems.  Sounds a lot like the challenges we often associate with ADHD doesn’t it?

This presents serious frustration for me for obvious reasons, not the least of which is that I’m unsure whether my recovery plan properly accounts for this overlap.  Again, I want to emphasize that I am in no way questioning the capabilities or performance of my psychologist and/or psychiatrist, both of whom I hold in the highest regard... otherwise I wouldn't continue to see them.  Anyway, I noted how CPTSD is so symptomatically similar to ADHD, so I have to question whether I even have ADHD.  

This question is infinitely more complicated because the causes of ADHD have not been conclusively identified by well-designed scientific research studies.  There is a criteria test included in the DSM-5, the diagnostic manual used by mental health clinicians, that I “passed” indicating I have ADHD.  

Furthermore, I was diagnosed at age 4 but never treated in any fashion at my father’s behest.  My present and past diagnostic results seem to clearly indicate the presence of ADHD, but my problem is meeting that criteria could just as easily be due to how my CPTSD presents. 

For example, my father enjoys telling a story from one of my misadventures when I was three years old that, in his mind, was an early demonstration of my intelligence and abilities.  It actually is a demonstration of how early I endured traumatic experiences no child should ever experience, much less one that young.  I was raised by my father during the day as he worked nights while my mother worked days until I went to kindergarten. 

Somehow I was neglected long enough to go into the garage, pull out a toolbox to remove a flathead screwdriver, open a can of paint, and proceeded to paint various parts of our home: the wrought iron fence, the exterior brick work, the shag carpet in the living room (yes, this was the late 70’s!), and generally made a magnificent mess over the course of an extended period of time. 

He ends the story by saying how he beat me “good enough” to make sure I never did something like that again.  While I’m not privy to any other similar stories of beatings, neglect, and maltreatment, I feel it’s safe to say this wasn’t a singular event.  It’s very likely that this was a microcosm of my formative years overall.

So, the behavioral issues with which I was plagued as a young child resulting in an ADHD diagnosis at age 4 could have been directly related to this type of abuse.  There’s another aspect of ADHD which could help me make this determination, though: the hereditary factor.

While not definitively conclusive, there is strong evidence that ADHD is genetically-based according to the American Journal of Medical Genetics.  I won’t go into fine details here, but my father and mother both have behavioral tendencies indicative of ADHD given everything I’ve seen and know about them.  

Maybe the reasons for their behaviors are just as convoluted by past experiences as mine appear to be.  I'm a fairly statistically-oriented individual, though, and this confluence of coincidences is highly improbable.  It's quite likely I have been genetically "endowed" with ADHD, but that's not sufficiently conclusive for me.

After my most recent diagnostic ADHD indication I was prescribed Adderall.  I have intermittently taken it for various periods of time over the past 18 months to essentially experiment the efficacy of the medication.  Fortunately (or unfortunately), the medicine seems to ameliorate many of my daily challenges: it allows me to stay on top of my scheduled routine; I maintain consistent effort on tasks for longer than 15 minutes; and it grants me the ability to be productive in general. 

While it’s true that amphetamines allow virtually anyone to be more productive, I don’t mean productive in the work-for-9-hours-straight-without-blinking type of productivity.   It’s so difficult for me to stay on task, sustain any modicum of attentiveness (unless it’s something I absolutely love to do), or even get started on virtually anything productive while not taking the medication regularly and appropriately.  I don't receive an unnecessary performance-enhancing effect as someone without ADHD typically does.

As a result of the early and recent diagnostic tests, the probable genetic aspect, and the symptomatic improvement Adderall provides,  it seems reasonable to conclude that I do have ADHD.  Awesome.

It appears I am “lucky” enough to in fact have both CPTSD and ADHD, so now it’s time to deal with addressing the symptoms of each.  That will have to wait until I do some more work with my clinicians and adjust my recovery plan.  

Until then, I hope this helps you or your loved one if faced with similar challenges and divining their provenance.  I'm NOT clinically trained and simply present my experiences to encourage you to hopefully work closely and cooperatively with your clinician(s) in determining whether the challenges you experience are from ADHD, CPTSD, or like me a combination of both.  It takes time, a lot of patience, significant research, some deductive experimentation, and a lot of work.  We're worth all of that work and more, though!

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." - EE Cummings

Music in My Recovery From Child Abuse

I had contemplated researching and writing my own piece on how to best utilize music during therapy in general and specifically with regard to my own recovery.  However, I found an article that has more or less already accomplished the former while I’ll save the latter for a future post.  I better understand why music has been such an integral aspect of my life, and now I can’t imagine not integrating music into my recovery. 

Thanks to www.chapterscapistrano.com

Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily agree with the particular choices of music in this article because I believe each individual has their own preferences for which type of music is appropriate for them.  For example, I use Miles Davis-type jazz, golden age hip hop, funk/soul, and new hyped-up hip hop.  Yet you might find that country, classic rock, heavy metal, punk, or golden oldies is what does it for you. 

My point is more that you should integrate music into your recovery and therapy in some way.  The following was guest written by Frank Fitzpatrick, Director / Founder of EarthTones, a multi-Platinum producer, Grammy-nominated songwriter, and award-winning filmmaker.

1. Starting Out Right – Rise with Music

Imagine if the sun bolted into the sky each morning like the sudden switching on of a floodlight, or if every day started with a sonic boom. That’s what it may feel like when you wake up to a clock radio blaring the morning news, a soda commercial, or just buzzing a harsh alarm.

Consider being a little kinder to yourself. Try waking to a familiar piece of music that eases you into the day like a beautiful sunrise, or a lover’s caress, and starts you out in a good mood. This is easy to program if you have a smart phone that allows you to assign a song as your alarm.

Once you are up and moving, fill your room with beautiful and inspiring music. Create a playlist or CD of music that relaxes and inspires you. A positive morning music ritual is a sure way to start your day off in a better mood and keep your busy mind from dragging you back into the worries of yesterday, today, or tomorrow.

2. Daily Medicine – Sing with Music

If you want to take the positive effects of listening to music to another level, try singing. Singing is one of the best ways to shift the vibrations of our thoughts and the very cells of our body, helping slow and regulate breathing and promote relaxation. Sing in the shower; sing in the car; hum a lullaby before you go to sleep. You can sing “a capella,” or to a recording. Don’t worry if you think you are a “good” singer or not; this is not about performing or putting yourself in another stressful situation. Just enjoy the feeling of melody moving through you.

If you’re going to sing, pick songs you know will put you in a better mood, inspire you, or help you relax. Pay attention to how different you feel after a few minutes of singing aloud, and make note of the songs that make you feel best so you can return to them when you need them most.

3. Instrumental Moments – Play with Music

Whether you are a well-versed musician or just beginning to learn how to play an instrument, spend a few minutes in the morning playing music. It can be simple scales or rudimentary exercises, a favorite song, or something improvisational. Playing music is like a mega-vitamin, engaging more areas of the human brain than any other activity. Music’s ability to help us shift thought patterns and moods, and even improve our physical well-being, is quite remarkable.

It is important, however, that you approach the exercise with a positive attitude and avoid taking on something too challenging that might lead to frustration or negative self-judgment about your skill level. There is a reason they call it “playing” music and not “working” music. The point is to connect to your instrument in a positive, relaxed, and joyful way, and then let the vibration of the music do its magic. The more you can be present and truly enjoy the experience, the more it will help keep the stress at bay.

4. Mantra – Reprogram with Music

Unfortunately, our brain is built with a negativity bias. Due to pre-historic man’s primary need for survival and self-preservation, our brain has more neurons dedicated to respond to and process negative thoughts and stimuli than positive ones. We tend to hold onto those negative impressions longer and repeat them more often, either consciously or subconsciously, reinforcing those anxiety and fear producing vibrations. This is one of the reasons it can be difficult to pull ourselves out of that downward spiral when we feel overwhelmed with stress and anxiety.

Although it takes more effort to trigger the part of our brain that reassures us it is okay to relax, music can help us do so. One of the keys to breaking repeating negative thought patterns that fuel stress is to create new and stronger positive ones. This is the reason for repeating positive affirmations, focusing on more self-assuring thoughts, or chanting mantra—to reprogram our brain, all the way down into our subconscious.

Adding music or melody to those positive thoughts engages more areas of the brain and can help us, over time, reprogram our general demeanor or basic outlook, making us less susceptible to stress triggers. A mantra can be a couple of syllables or an entire phrase or verse. It can come from a sacred prayer, a familiar hymn, a tune you create, or a short refrain from your favorite song–something that encapsulates the feeling you want to create. The repetition of the mantra, especially if set to music, can be a great technique to use as a daily practice, or one to turn to whenever you start to feel stressed or overwhelmed. Accompanied by your clear intention and a little faith, you will be able to transform yourself to a more centered, relaxed, and joyful state. The more emotion and the greater the number of repetitions you do, as well as the more frequently you do the practice, the stronger the effect will be.

5. Emotion in Motion – Move with Music

If you have a daily exercise routine, try taking music along with you. A morning walk or run, or even yoga or stretching, can become easier and more enjoyable if you have music as your personal coach and companion. Again, it is important for you to choose music that works for you and that you know will have the effect you are trying to achieve. This may take a little trial and error to sort out at first, so be sure to take note of the musical selections that help you feel inspired and promote a sense of personal wellbeing.

Movement—whether walking, stretching, yoga, running, playing sports, or other kinds of workout—can also be one of the best ways to eliminate built-up tension and lactic acid that gets trapped in our bodies and creates stress and disease. Adding music can enhance the effect.

For a great daily routine to manage stress, try what I like to call the 3Ms: Music, Movement, and Meditation. A good blend of 10 – 20 minutes of each on a daily basis will transform your life. If you don't know how to meditate, try a different meditative practice like journaling, stretching, or reading something that inspires you.

6. Traffic Jammin’ – Commute with Music

I don’t know about you, but one of the quickest ways I become stressed is by sitting in gridlock traffic and worrying that I might be late for an important appointment. Unfortunately, getting stressed or worrying about it doesn’t make the time go slower nor the traffic move faster. Because a traffic jam is one situation where it is difficult to change the external circumstances, we must resort to changing our own internal state to avoid and relieve stress. You can always use the commute time to catch up on the news and your phone calls, but the secluded environment of a car is the ideal place to practice shifting your mood through music.

Keep a collection of your music in your car that helps you de-stress, release tension, or lift your spirits. Singing along will take the effect to another level. If you are sharing the ride, encourage the others to join you as you explore musical ways to improve the quality of your life and your relationship with others and the world around you. You might do this by simply agreeing on some relaxing background music to play behind your morning dialog, sharing your favorite new music with one another, or finding something you all enjoy and singing along together. If you have a regular commute, it can be a great time to listen to a variety of music to explore what works best for you and determine what you will want to add to your driving playlist.

7. On the Job – Work with Music

Work environments are often quite stressful. This can be especially true when there are several different personalities in the same space, or when overwhelming work pressures are compounded by office politics or an individual’s personal issues.

The right background music can help everyone work through routine tasks in a better mood, and listening to inspiring music on breaks can help us recharge our own systems. Relaxing background music can also help mask potentially annoying distractions in noisier work environments.

Just like in a family household, however, different people at work may have quite different musical likes and dislikes. Music that is relaxing or inspiring for one person may be annoying to another. Sharing musical preferences and introducing our musical discoveries to co-workers can sometimes be a good way to build stronger interpersonal relationships and understanding, which in turn helps diminish stress created through prejudice or lack of communication and acceptance. Discovering common musical interests within shared environments helps build a more connected and nurturing community at the office.

8. A Sonic Diet – Meet with Music

When choosing locations to eat, hold business meetings, or visit with friends, be conscious of the sound environment, including the noise level and type of music that is played. Loud noisy environments, as much as we try to ignore them, can contribute to unconscious stress and tension build-up without us even knowing it.

Just as eating junk food increases stress and toxicity in our system, an unconscious or unhealthy sonic diet can do the same. Quieter environments, with more soothing and relaxing music, will help you relax more naturally.

9. Active Listening – Tune In with Music

There is more than one way to listen to music. We can let it play in the background while we give our attention to something or someone else, or we can become actively involved in the listening process. “Active Listening” engages more areas of the human brain and resonates more deeply in the cells of our bodies. This makes it a more powerful process for transforming our thoughts and emotions. Active Listening, however, requires you to give your full and undivided attention to the sonic experience.

Start by eliminating any distractions and choosing a slower piece of music with which you resonate deeply. Then close your eyes, slow down your breathing, and tune into something inside the music with which you can follow along—like the melody or a particular instrument.

Taking a few minutes out from the computer, the phone, internal mind chatter, and the worries and stress of work and life, to stop and actively listen to a piece of music, can serve as a great tune up–to de-stress, recharge, or simply enjoy a musical journey through the fields of your imagination.

10. Happy Hour – Recline with Music

Instead of rushing to catch the evening news, jumping on the Internet, or flipping through the TV channels to unwind when you finally arrive home, try making music part of your end-of-day unwinding ritual. Put all the connections to and from the outside world on pause and replace it with a few of your favorite tunes. This time however, instead of practicing Active Listening, let the music do the work. If there is too much distraction in your home, try lying down with some headphones and an eye pillow. Allow the sound to move through you and simply let go—of your thoughts, of your day, of your stress. Ease your transition from the challenging world outside, and slip into the healing world of sound.

If you are a parent and find the kids to be a big contributor to your stress, teach them to join you. You can share the same musical selections together or have each family member listen to their own music on headphones during the designated time. Music is a great resource to help parents manage the sometimes-overwhelming energy of their children.

11. Getting In Sync – Unite with Music

Playing music with others in a caring and supportive environment can be a great way to channel pepped up energy from frustration or stress. Join a drum circle or local choir or band, or play music with friends or family members at home. Remember to “play.” The key to playing music for fun and relaxation is to be sure all the participants agree that the main purpose is for everyone to enjoy themselves and the music making process, so there is no competition or fear of being judged. There is a kind of shorthand communication and physiologically entrainment that can take place when people play music or sing together. With the right balance, performing in a group can be a great outlet to alleviate stress and break the patterns of the day.

12. Daily Groove – Dance with Music

Dancing, and especially dancing to music, is an incredible way to reduce stress and land you in a better mood. You receive all the benefits of physical exercise and Active Listening while having fun. Simply add a few cools moves to your five-minute tune up, dance around your home or office alone, or join your partner or group of friends dancing out on the down. Taking a dance class can be a great way to raise your spirits, release your stress, improve your health, and help you feel more confident and relaxed when you decide to step out.

If you are someone who worries that dancing is not a productive way to spend your time, you can relax about that, too. According to a report in the New England Journal of Medicine, dancing can even make you smarter. The author of the study claims that one of the best things we can do to improve our cognitive functions is to dance in rhythm with music.

Your Personal Playlist – Choosing the Right Music

I am often asked: What music should I listen to if I want to relax, be happier, and feel more in balance? The answer can vary widely for different individuals. Although music has been scientifically proven to be beneficial on a number of levels, musical preferences are very subjective. One thing that is for sure, however, is that we want to be conscientious about the music we choose to listen to and the musical and sonic input that we expose ourselves to.

Music is a powerful alchemy that affects our perceptions, emotions, and physical well-being, whether we are paying attention or not. As much as music can relax us, the wrong music can agitate us and add to our stress. Typically slower, more pattern-oriented music can help regulate and relax our systems, and more up-tempo music can get us up-and-going. Happier songs can often lighten the mood quickly, and sometimes bring back fond memories.

Even sad songs can sometimes help us process heavy emotions we need to move through before we can shift to a new and happier place. Other times, a session of hard rock music can help us release our anger before we can calm down enough to relax.

Lyrics also affect us. Like mantras, these words and ideas are implanted into our subconscious through the music, reinforcing thought patterns that can affect our mood or outlook. I usually recommend omitting songs that have harsh or condescending lyrics, or that don’t emotionally resonate with you on a deep level.

Happiness = Life with Music

Try one or two of the above suggestions. The key to determining what works best for you is to pay attention to how you feel—before, during, and after listening, singing, or playing. Note the state of your mood when you start versus after you are done. Ultimately, it will be most effective to create your own playlists or choose a couple CDs of music you have discovered to be most effective at helping to improve your mood and alleviate your stress. The one thing I can guarantee you is that life feels better with music.

Complex PTSD Recovery & Identity

One of the more challenging aspects of my recovery from Complex PTSD due to a childhood of repeated traumas is not allowing it to overtake my own identity.  How do I transform myself through overcoming my maladaptive and self-defeating behaviors without forever linking that transformation to who I am intrinsically?  How can I prevent this from being the defining aspect of my identity?

Surviving child abuse and recovering from its effects have been the over-arching themes of my life story for a few years now, and I’m completely fatigued from it.  I've told those few who are close to me about my recovery, but I’m not sure how much more open I should become.  I don’t want to forever be known as “the guy with PTSD because he was abused” or “the child-abuse dude who fell apart for a few years in his 30’s.” 

At the same time, however, I want to scream from the rooftops about it so others can learn from what happened to me initially in childhood and then much later in life.  Maybe a father out there somewhere stops himself before bouncing his 8-year old’s face off a fender because there was some dirt still left there after the kid washed the van.  Maybe there’s a college student out there who will hear my story, realize what he went through as a kid wasn’t normal at all, and go get help sooner rather than later.  

Look, I’m not trying to be some martyr here or anything.  I don’t need anyone to feel bad for me.  I don’t want sympathy.  This is not some vain-glorious pursuit of self-aggrandizement.  I’m just trying to fashion a silver lining in an otherwise completely dreadful set of circumstances.  Recovering fully would be sufficient enough, but I’ve gone through hell and I want more than to just break even.

It’s been suggested to me by several people in the mental health field that I should marshal my experiences, education, and ability to communicate in order to do some good for others in this particular area.  I’ve been told that I should write a book, become a peer mentor/counselor, or maybe consider being more of a public face since so few men are willing to do so. 

It’s one reason I started writing this blog.  This might be the foundation of a book, a jump start into writing for periodicals, or maybe this will stand on its own and be effective at helping others.  Of course it's quite possible this will be something that nobody really reads or cares about, and that's not the worst thing because I’m terrified that this will be the everlasting impression I leave… the thing for which I’m remembered (assuming I’m remembered at all!).

Yet I’m also starting to wonder if maybe I should just continue to do this anonymously because I don’t want this to become the predominant aspect of my identity.  I truthfully don’t want to identify with it forever even though I know it will always be a footnote on every page of my life story.  I’m still anonymous right now because I’m not completely convinced that I want to be forever associated with having recovered from Complex PTSD due to physical and psychological traumas in childhood.  Just typing those last few words and envisioning people reading it with my name attached to them stresses me more than just a bit.

On the other hand, I know that there’s no way to make a true impact anonymously.  If I’m going to have any measure of success at realizing that silver lining, I’m going to have to put my name on it.  Otherwise I’m just playing into the societal stigma and reinforcing the fear many men have about admitting what happened to them really messed them up.  How can I encourage men to be brave and face down the problems they face as a result of their childhoods if I’m not stout enough to openly own my personal experiences?

It’s just that I want my identity to be more about who I am as a person, the things I enjoy doing, and the ways that I spend my time:

I’m a granola guy who loves nature, camping, rafting, fishing, hiking, boating, and generally anything else done outdoors. 

I’m an over-the-top football fan who convinced a bar in the heart of Chicago to become an Atlanta Falcons watching spot that fills up every Sunday bringing Dirtybird fans together and now has Falcons flags, banners, and a 10-foot blow-up guy out front on the sidewalk.  It’s such an amazing thing to be a part of.

I write football columns and articles for a Falcons website affiliated with Sports Illustrated. 

I tutor adult learners trying to get their GED, pass the US citizenship test, or whatever their goals may be. 

I’m a loving and occasionally overzealous father of two girls who knows way more about My Little Pony than any 30-something man ever should. 

I’m the old guy still streetballin’ at the gym with the young bucks. 

I’m the grill-master-forever-in-training who loves nothing more than to hold court while turning racks of ribs and Vidalia onions on a hot summer day. 

I’m the MacGuyver-ish dude who gets a bizarre pleasure from fixing damn near anything. 

Don’t even get me started on my geeky side because that’s at least another 3 paragraphs!

My point is that there’s so much more to me than just being a child abuse survivor.  But if I come out hard and heavy, and I really do this right… then will the rest of me get swallowed up in the process?  Does everything else in my life get overshadowed?  I have so much trepidation that I will forever be stamped by what I’m in the process of overcoming instead of simply getting to actualize all of the other aspects of my identity. 

Of course, that’s the problem.  This is part of who I am and nothing will ever change that.  Either it’s a known fact of my life, or it’s something I try to hide forever. 

No.  To hell with that.  I’m tired of hiding this as though it’s something I should be ashamed of people knowing.  I didn’t ask for a childhood like that, and I surely didn’t want to be in recovery from it 15-20 years later.  Those who will think ill of me or keep their distance as a result are exactly the kind of people I don’t want in my life anyway.  Maybe it’ll be a great way of filtering out the wrong kind of people, and then they can identify me as whoever or whatever they please. 

My identity is mine and will not be subject to any label placed upon it by others.  Being a child abuse survivor may end up being what people most know me for, and it will always be a part of me, but I won’t let it become all that I am because I’m a hell of a lot more than that.

My ADHD Was Ignored For Far Too Long

I’ve spent almost 3 years in therapy working diligently on my Complex PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, which stemmed from the physical and psychological traumas I endured throughout my childhood.  These were monumental challenges which completely rocked my world, and they caused me to all but ignore my ADHD diagnosis and its role in my life.  In fact, in one of my initial posts on this blog I believe I called it a “secondary diagnosis” to which I would pay scant attention (see what I did there? I'm so clever...).

I’m in the process of picking up the pieces of my life after hitting rock bottom so hard that I bounced twice, as a great lyricist once said.  I was homeless, jobless, essentially removed from my two daughters, my girlfriend had just broken things off, and I just completely de-stabilized.  However, I made it into a fairly decent wellness center, have regained stability, and I'm doing all of the things typical people do and take for granted in their lives.

After being here for awhile I finally feel relatively normal.  I’m eating well, sleeping ok, exercising regularly again, and in generally good health and spirits.  Now it’s time for me to develop a new routine that I can carry with me from here and more or less utilize for a lifetime.  So for the first time ever I sat down and really went to work on developing a schedule.

When I say I’m going to “sit down” and do something, that’s a euphemism indicating that I’m going all-out to accomplish it.  I began by doing general research online and at the library on best practices for developing schedules and began to refine this research to take into account my diagnoses.  It was interesting how little there was regarding CPTSD and creating routines and schedules.  Then I decided to see what there was regarding ADHD and it was like hitting the jackpot in Vegas.

I had always known that scheduling and routine were fairly significant challenges for those with ADHD, but for some reason it never really registered with me that I should examine this further for my own benefit.  That was a mistake of titanic proportions because it appears to be the final piece to the puzzle that day-to-day living has become.

While started down this path simply to develop a personal routine and schedule that took my ADHD into account, I ended up learning so much about how having ADHD can completely ruin a person’s life in various ways.  Even more startling was that, at one point, I actually wondered if either my psychologist or psychiatrist had ghost-written this particular article because it sounded so freakishly just like me and my experiences, past and current.

The research I uncovered on adults with ADHD include how we…

·        are more prone to high-stimulus-seeking behavior,

·        are procrastinators of the highest order,

·        brood and ruminate over bad outcomes because we've gotten distracted repeatedly from the task at  hand,

·        cannot tolerate boredom of any kind,

·        are restless and often need to be on the move,

·        feel constrained by professional conventions and chained by social norms,

·        lack/lose perspective of the long-term consequences of today’s actions,

·        feel the need to be doing multiple things simultaneously,

·        have difficulty transitioning between close engagements such as back-to-back meetings,

·        have mood swings independent of what’s occurring externally in our environment,

·        will obsess and ruminate over a psychological “startle” (some type of transition or change) that results in a loss of perspective and makes us feel as though the world is upside-down,

·        must have regular and vigorous exercise or will self-destruct,

·        have a tendency to over-focus/hyper-focus (which can be good or bad contingent upon how it's  deployed),

·        are typically impulsive, tactless in social situations,

·        are a bit tactless in social situation and often have problems maintaining social relationships for any  extended period of time.

I'm seemingly just using my ADHD to create elegant excuses for much of the knuckle-headed nonsense I tend to do… at least that how it plays in my own ears.  However, I in no way want or need excuses for anything I’ve done or continue to do.  I completely own everything.  It’s on me to figure out what’s wrong, address the issues, and correct my behaviors.

Yet I found these themes recurring repeatedly across so many different sources, so I had no choice but to take it all very seriously.  Part of me owning and addressing my flaws and failures is to determine the "why" first, and these ADHD-prone behaviors accurately characterize who I've been my entire life.  Take away the childhood traumas and these would be issues I would grapple with anyway because ADHD is a biological, hereditary condition.  Ironically, I likely got it from my father but, unlike the abuse, he bears no responsibility for this.

Beyond correcting the problems, much of the literature stressed taking advantage of the good aspects of ADHD and learn how to adjust my life and lifestyle to fit the profile of how my particular form of ADHD manifests itself.  Primarily I'm going to accept who I am and stop trying to force myself into conventions and norms for which I'm simply ill-suited.

For example, I'm never going to be the model student or super-organized executive even though I'm very intelligent, creative, skilled, and accomplished.

I have to accept and anticipate the inevitable collapse of a certain percentage of projects I undertake, relationships I have, obligations I take on because I have always and will continue to take on more than I can readily handle and there's nothing I can do to prevent this.

I will take advantage of my tendency towards addictive behaviors and take on healthy pursuits such as training for a triathlon.

I'm not going to go through an exhaustive list because you get the point.  I'm simply thrilled to integrate this into my ongoing recovery and hopefully have a complete plan of action for my life going forward.

My recovery plan and actions to deal with the CPTSD, anxiety, and panic attacks have provided very little in the way of applicable remedies for the basic aspects of my life.  I am not saying the treatment hasn’t worked, because it has.  I haven’t had a panic attack in half a year, and I’ve been coming out of my shell socially in a progressive if uneven fashion over roughly the same time period.  Still I pined for more in the way of practical knowledge and skills which could make my life better, easier, more manageable.

Now it's time to actually apply it and see if it works!  I’ve just finished the lion’s share of my research, and it's difficult to accurately convey the relief at having found exactly that which I’ve been seeking for a couple of years now.  More to come on how well it works…

My Frozen World: CPTSD-induced Dissociation

It’s Sunday night a bit past 9pm, the curfew during “winter hours” at the wellness center I now find myself in.  I haven’t had a curfew since I was a sophomore in high school.  It’s not that I was forced here, however.  I can come and go as I please and can grab my stuff and walk out that front door right now.  Thing is, though, I’m actually glad to be here… to a certain extent, anyway.

I was homeless for a relatively short period of time because I had to immediately move out as I was allergic to black mold which began to spew its spores once the heat and humidity of summer hit.  I had to get everything out and into storage so the spores didn’t infiltrate all of my belongings.

I couldn’t find another apartment quickly enough because of my credit, which was in tatters for much the same reason that I became homeless: a confluence of circumstances sent me spinning into my “Frozen World.”  This is my euphemism for what happens to me when a stressor or a combination thereof induce the fight-flight-freeze response.

My Complex PTSD, stemming from physical and psychological childhood traumas, indirectly brought my Frozen World into existence.  I was cognitively aware of these repeated events from my youth but I never emotionally approached them. 

I chalked them up to “childhood as usual" and unknowingly threw up a psychological defensive barrier against feeling any of the related emotions.  This is my Frozen World, but it existed solely in regards to those childhood traumas until relatively recently.

Outside the context of dealing with my childhood experiences, I never previously froze up except for extremely short-term situations.  I fought like hell to defeat the daunting challenges of my life.  That’s the only way I could have made it as far as I had in this world considering the lack of opportunities due to my original socio-economic status (that would be “white trash”).

Finding out I was to be a father caused me to reflect on what kind of father I had.  This brought out so much internal darkness and pain that it swamped my brain’s defenses and swept away the boundaries of my Frozen World. 

The flood of emotions was such that I only dealt with everything thereafter by freezing instead of fighting or fleeing.  I was never one to run away from anything, but I simply lost the capacity to fight.  My Frozen World had now expanded to encompass my entire life.

I progressively began freezing in a state of denial and inaction whenever presented with any type of significant stressor.  With regard to my apartment, I failed to quickly find a landlord willing to risk my credit score.  I had nowhere else to go and no natural support since my family is 900 miles away. 

I couldn’t live with my girlfriend at the time because she had a clause in her divorce agreement preventing that due to her young daughters.  I stayed in hotels the other 80% of nights and ate at restaurants three or four times daily, all of which quickly drained my finances.

I could no longer keep my own girls for overnights, which devastated both them and me.  It also placed me in my ex’s crosshairs because I just knew she would use it against me in court to take the 45% custody I was awarded.  The stress and frustration of it all was simply too much, so I entered my Frozen World and simply acted as though there was no problem at all. 

It’s not like I went into a deep depression or anything.  I didn’t go on some substance abuse bender.  I was happy with my new girlfriend, enjoyed summertime Chicago, went camping, was hanging out socially for the first time in years, and was more or less free of my ex-wife and her manipulative family.  I simply enjoyed life while completely ignoring all of the problems I cognitively knew about but could not emotionally handle.  There’s no room for emotion on my Frozen World.

I eventually began sleeping in my SUV, but that wasn’t so bad because it’s designed for that purpose when camping.  This became my norm for many weeks, even though I still sometimes stayed in a hotel when my spinal fusion acted up. 

Then the money essentially ran out altogether.  Even still I was safely ensconced within my Frozen World, so I just kept on living as normally as I could.  It was fairly normal actually, and yet also simultaneously de-stabilizing in ways which I only now understand after the fact.

So I’m basically homeless, almost completely out of money, the bond between me and my girls was straining, and then my girlfriend ran for the hills (or Lincoln Park).  She knew about everything, but it became too much for her to handle.  She tried to tough it out, but her heart couldn’t bear the weight of it all and she had to kill our special connection to save herself.  I don’t blame her at all.  It’s what I would have told my own daughters to do.

Once she left me, however, I completely came apart at the seams.  Her resilience was a crutch allowing my mind to continue its presence on my Frozen World.  I almost immediately had two bouts of suicidal ideation within 10 days, but these were little more than elaborate cries for help.  Suicide could never have happened because to kill myself would have been either a fight or flight response.  All I seem to be able to do anymore is freeze. 

Fact is, I love this life.  Even with all the horrific things I went through and how I’m currently reduced to essentially nothing, I am so grateful to be alive.  I need only to think of this past summer in order to reflect on the simple wonders this world provides.  Even if I didn’t feel this way, the fact is that I have two little girls who deserve to grow up with their Daddy.  I could never be so selfish as to willingly abandon them via suicide or any other means.

The social worker at the hospital I checked myself into at the end of my final ideation suggested I come to the wellness center from which I now write this.  I went on the wait list and luckily just a week or so later I found my sanctuary.  This is a place for persons with various mental health challenges to get short-term stabilization in their lives, tame or control the effects of their condition(s), and get back to successfully restart their lives.

In only my third night here I have already developed a sense of safety, stability, and hope I wasn’t sure I’d ever get back.  This has unfortunately been intermittently interrupted by thoughts of that which I once was, had, and dreamed.  

It’s impossible to not be introspective given the opportunities and successes I’ve already experienced.  Yet I need only to look around at the significance of what other residents here face to confirm just how fortunate I am to have the abilities and talents Mother Nature has lovingly bestowed upon me.

I’ve been stripped almost completely of my confidence, pride, and ego.  Yet I consider this to be a positive development.  My life can now be reconstructed in a healthy way and be cognizant of all that which I could never admit or even know about myself before now.  

For the first time in my life I have support from people without any ulterior motives.  They aren’t invested in specifically what I do with my life like the “support” I had before with my family, my ex-wife, and her family.  Now it’s simply about me being healthy and happy regardless of what form that takes.  

It’s akin to being forced to demolish and then rebuild your dream home because it had a poorly-constructed foundation hidden beneath a façade of finery.   I’ve cried a monsoon of tears as my old life caved in on itself, and I will continue to weep on occasion for the wonderful yet irreplaceable parts of my life which were irretrievably destroyed.  

Those tears are no longer ones of regret or shame, though.  Those are feelings which breed self-loathing and can quickly spiral me down back into my Frozen World.  These are tears of grieving and, like all grief, they will diminish over time.

I understand myself so much better and have a deeper trust in what my therapy/recovery can accomplish.  There's no lingering doubt in my mind about whether I'm capable of true change.  I’m no longer on my Frozen World and I endeavor to never return but, if I do, I know how to better handle it.  My second life will be vastly superior because it’s to be built on a stronger and more secure foundation like that second dream home... and I'm finally ready to start pouring the concrete.