Complex PTSD Recovery: The Neutral Zone of Transition

I'm now moving from my personal nadir into something I refer to as the "neutral zone" of transition based on William Bridges' work.  This neutral zone is the time after mourning for the childhood I never had and regret over not avoiding just how screwed up my life has become by getting therapy earlier. 

It’s time to reinvent myself now, though.  I’ve done much of the initial work required to recover, but not quite all of it.  However, my progress has been sufficient enough to begin advancing to the next stage.  It's this period of time in which so many things are now possible which weren't before I began my therapy, and for the first time ever I get to do it on my own terms. 

While my marriage ended in a cluster-bomb of animosity, regret, and confusion, I can now find a partner better suited to how I need to live happily.  Not only did my personal life run off the rails, but my career in healthcare management and consulting is in tatters from neglect and the inability to effectively network because of my past problems socializing as an adult.  

However, starting from scratch allows me the freedom in this neutral zone to consider becoming a teacher/professor, maybe start an outdoors excursions outfit, or run a small non-profit without regret or guilt that I should be out there making well into six figures annually just because I feel an internal pressure given I have the education and ability to easily do so. 

There’s been considerable external pressure in the past as well.  Besides the fact that I’m the golden child of the family, my ex-wife once told me the only thing she truly cared about regarding my career was that I make at least $100k/year for her to be comfortable.  I didn't realize the impact that had on me at the time, but thereafter I was consumed with making sure my career path brought me into that income tier.  Now I can find a partner who doesn't care which income bracket I’m in, but she'll rather want me for who I am and prefer I do something fulfilling that gives me a sense of joy. 

Most of my old friends have been out of the picture after I basically went into hiding for 2 years, but it'll be interesting to see who's still there for me as I embark on the beginning of the post-apocalyptic chapter of my life.  It's truly exciting to think about all of the new friendships and romances I can have without all of that emotional baggage holding me down and screwing things up for me.  

Yes, my first real relationship after splitting from my ex-wife has recently been snuffed out mainly because I still have not completely escaped some of the bad habits from my past.  To be specific, I subconsciously hit the self-destruct button on any relationship when someone gets too close and I feel vulnerable.  

It's a direct result of being abused or neglected by the people I loved and idolized growing up.  I learned then that allowing people too close to you only results in pain.  Keep them at arms' length and I'm protected.  It's amazing to look back and see the patterns across relationships of all types, and it's even more amazing I never saw them before.  

The only exception thus far has been my ex-wife, but that's only because she's a psychologist and could recognize and dismiss my nonsense as just that instead of thinking it really had anything to do with her.  Yet I won't go into a downward spiral fueled by self-loathing and regret for my mistakes with this most recent relationship.  I accept it as another opportunity to recognize, learn, and change so that it doesn't happen again.  It’s easy to say, but so damn hard to do.

So this post is all about transitioning from whatever low point you're currently at in your life to a more healthy and functional one.  If you feel like your life is over, then good!  Unless you're dead and reading this from the afterlife, your life is not in fact over.  This means there’s a litany of opportunities awaiting you now.  It's time to relinquish the behavioral programming from childhood and learn more sophisticated and mature behaviors.  

I'm not saying that you should reject and ignore your old life.  Never forget that owning your past is the key to overcoming it.  It's critical to extricate the impact of our past traumas from our present reality.  The avoidance, repression, and suppression causes us to be clueless as to what's happening around us, which was great for us when we were kids under constant threat... but we can't afford to check out from reality as adults.  

This is what I did for a few years: I simply checked out little by little around the time my first child was born.  That adult experience of becoming a parent triggered a jail-break release for my childhood demons who had been in repressive purgatory... and I was simply overwhelmed emotionally.  It's similar to what happened with Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans.  The defenses which held all that water at bay were simply insufficient in the face of such a deluge.  

This was what I experienced starting a little bit before the birth of my first born.  Then came the ever-quickening descent into the black hole of CPTSD: night terrors; flashbacks; self-loathing; you name it.  That was then, though.  Now is completely different.  I'm into my Neutral Zone now.  I no longer have panic attacks.  I recognize my maladaptive behaviors even though I've not completely conquered them.  The point is that my loss and grieving period is over, and now I have to figure what my new beginning looks like.  This is what the neutral zone is all about.

It's true that I'm in a limbo of sorts because I no longer hold onto the past and haven't quite set my future plan, but this is not filled with stress and consternation.  Yes, I'm still unsure of how to configure my future, but I'm figuring things out little by little as I continue through this introspective journey called recovery.  In the past, this type of limbo would have brought me crashing down to my knees, but now I'm truly enjoying this time of discovery about myself and how I want the next half of my life to materialize.  

Don't get it twisted, though.  I still go through some fairly craptastic days because I still grapple with the consequences of my old world: lack of social circle, financial difficulties, legal problems, employment difficulties, etc.  However, I never expected there to be a clear line of demarcation between the old me and the newly forming one. 

This is a transition and not just a mere change.  A change is really just a function of a singular decision or one-time situation.  My transition is an inner release of how my life was and embracing what my life is becoming.  Being in the neutral zone portion of my transition has meant serious and rapid progress for me.  I’m trying to push out of it now, but I’m okay with the idea that it may take longer than I want because I’m confident that I’ll make it eventually.

Hopefully this will help you advance in your recovery, get past the problems of your old life, and feel more comfortable about your own neutral zone as you realize how much better it’s all going to get if you put the work in. 

CPTSD Recovery & My New Life

I'm just now realizing, two years after separation from my ex-wife, that there's an entire world out there that always existed, but was completely outside my grasp.  I began the relationship with my ex at 20 years old, and every major decision thereafter was either made for me by her or made with her as the primary consideration.

Eighteen years later I find myself feeling like I'm 20 again.  I'm rudderless in an ocean of possibilities...  I just don't know what to do or how to do it.  I missed the selfish years most people get in their 20's.   Living in a few different cities; The trips with the guys to Vegas;  having complete responsibility over career direction;  the crazy relationships of 20-somethings;  I never got a chance at any of that.

I was too confident back in the day to realize what I didn’t know.   Now I have the experiential benefit yet lack the required self-assurance to move forward with any real measure of conviction.  It’s a strange space to inhabit.  Add a very unhealthy dose of CPTSD-driven anxiety and you have my recipe for paralysis of action.

Not that I regret the decision to marry my ex.  The love and life we shared was mostly wonderful and infinitely more worthy than those selfish pursuits.  I only mention this because most people don’t get divorced in their late 30s from the only person they’ve been with since the age of 20.  Most of the divorced people I know got married somewhere in their mid-to-late 20s, and so they’ve already experienced “the single life.”  I haven’t, and so this is all so new to me.

I'm stuck in this city that I mostly detest until my 2 daughters go to college in roughly 14 years.  I have a deep feeling of helplessness regarding where I live even after no longer having to factor my ex into the equation.  This helplessness is one reason my life has been stuck in neutral for the past two years.  I now recognize that resentment and helplessness are feelings leading to nowhere.  Now it's critical that I make the most of my time here, and this is what my post today is all about.

My first real post-marital relationship has just ended.  While lasting only a few months, it was sufficient enough to provide me with the confidence required to kick-start my life into first and then second gears.  It was exactly what I needed, if not necessarily everything I wanted.  She made me understand I’m still worthy and valued by women of her caliber... even with my psychological warts and all.   .

Just dating her and introducing her to my girls gave me the ability to recognize the power I now have over my life.  It's been quite the revelation that I'm now making my own life decisions based solely on myself and what I want out of life.  (Of course, my daughters are a factor but not an anchor-like one as before.)  That's not to say I won't adjust once I'm in a long-term relationship, but it's good for me to have a period in my life like this. I had always wondered what it would be like.

Well, I'm about to find out!

While I can't exactly act as though I'm in my 20's, it does approximate how I'm approaching this.  I'm considering a complete career change.  I chose my own apartment.  I’m dating different women.  I'm choosing my own friends based on my own opinions.  That may not seem like much to most people, but consider that I've spent 2 years in almost complete social isolation because of my CPTSD-induced combination of self-loathing, shame, and confusion. 

I could barely understand everything happening inside of me much less explain it to others.  Most of my close friends were either part of my ex's family or somehow closely related to her, and I did not need any more of her in my life than absolutely required.  That, coupled with my brother moving to Atlanta around the same time, is how I instantly lost my entire social network.  I never developed my own due to, you guessed it, CPTSD-induced trust issues.  I naturally latched on to those my ex already trusted, my brother moved here just after I did, and it was plenty for me. 

I’m slowly building my own network, but it’s incredibly difficult for me even though I’m very gregarious and outgoing.  I make acquaintances so very easily.  My problem has always been my predilection toward detonating relationships of any kind once the person gets too close to me.  It’s an old self-defense mechanism learned from my childhood that’s so ingrained that I have to make conscious efforts to overcome.

As for the non-relational parts of my life, I still don't know what to do.  At least I'm finally moving in the right directions and making progress.  While more than just a tad frightened, I’m also thrilled at all of the opportunities which lie before me (almost too many).  There’s a whole world waiting for me, and I’m so glad to finally have the ability to go exploring on my own.

Recovering From Child Abuse: A Day in the Life

In this post I'm just sharing off-the-cuff thoughts and feelings.  The idea is to express myself as a CPTSD survivor without worrying about grammar, appropriateness, or any of the niceties typically required of a "respectable" blog!  

I recently found out my father probably has cancer. I say “probably” because healthy and effective communication simply doesn’t exist within my family.  

I'm struggling with the simultaneous feelings of apathy for him and his plight, disappointment in myself for being apathetic, sadness for my Mom facing the loss of her life partner, and resentment that I'm unable to help her through this because all she wants from me is to reconcile with my unrepentant father... and that shit is simply not going to happen. 

Meanwhile I received some distressing news after getting an MRI on my shoulder.  Besides finding four orthopedic injuries, a lesion was noticed that is presumably a benign tumor but could potentially be malignant.  

Here's the real kicker: One of my first thoughts upon getting this news was, “this is the Karma I brought upon myself for being an uncaring ass about my father’s cancer.”  How's that for self-destructive and utterly undeserved feelings of shame?  

It really pisses me off that I felt this guilt and how it instantly morphed into low grade self-loathing.  My therapist would say it’s great that I recognized this for what it was and, as a result, won’t allow it to completely overtake me emotionally.  I say it really sucks that my childhood traumas continue to color my life at 38 years old.  

What I have realized, though, is that it’s more important than ever for me to continue to build a network of social supports, not just clinical ones.  I checked out from my friends and family for a couple of years because apparently that’s what CPSTD survivors often do.  My old social structures would invariably lead me backwards in my recovery, so I made the decision a while back to essentially act as though I moved to a new city and had to build a social network from scratch. 

I began the process by going on Match.com a few months ago just to wade back into the dating pool, and that experience was better than expected as I found someone I really dig.  This success spurred me to join two groups on Meetup.com last week: a Dads Group that has nothing to do with my recovery and also a Men’s Circle comprised of guys facing various life challenges  

It was initially intimidating to put myself out there again when I'm still unsure of how to walk the tightrope of explaining what's been going on with me without over-sharing.  This fear is one reason I remain anonymous in writing this blog (the other is that my ex-wife will somehow use this against me to steal the almost 50% custody I won during our divorce).

However, I understand that I can't control how others perceive me and the psychological challenges I face.  I can only control how I react to their perceptions and subsequent reactions.  I have a sweet little angel on one shoulder whispering "open yourself up and feel free to explain your plight" while my dark angel is shouting in my other ear that I shouldn't have to explain myself to anyone.

The Difference Between PTSD and Complex PTSD

The world of psychology has been wrestling with a differentiation between Complex PTSD (CPTSD) and "regular" PTSD since such a distinction was initially publicized in 1992 by Judith Herman in her book Trauma and Recovery.  So it stands to reason that for many of you this is the first time you’ve ever heard of CPTSD.  

You’ve heard plenty about PTSD in reference to soldiers, rape victims, and others who have experienced a traumatic episode.  The “Complex” version of PTSD, a new addition to the DSM-5, speaks to the disorder sometimes suffered by victims of repeated and prolonged traumatic episodes: child abuse survivors, prisoners of war, those coming from concentration camps, etc. 

Most reading this will fall into the category of prolonged/repeated traumas as opposed to a singular incident, but if I can help anyone challenged by the commonly-known type, then wonderful!  I'm writing this blog in general to raise awareness of the difference between the two and help those like me who have CPTSD.

Coming across CPTSD earlier this year was a monumental turning point for me because I had never felt that my official clinical diagnoses of PTSD; Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia; Generalized Anxiety Disorder; and ADHD were truly appropriate for describing my particular set of symptoms. 

This is not a shot at my clinicians, both of whom are incredible.  Clinically speaking, the diagnoses were made correctly, but they just never sat well in my mind.  My now ex-wife, who’s a juvenile psycho-therapist, opined that I was also Bi-Polar, but a psychiatrist dismissed that quickly.  

(I mention this situation with my ex-wife as a warning to you that you need professionals who aren’t related to you in order to get the most appropriate care.  You obviously can’t be your own therapist, but your mother the doctor, your uncle the psychiatrist, or your best friend the barista are simply too close to you to make clear-minded diagnoses or treatment plans.  It’s wonderful to use them as a resource and emotional support, of course, but only for those purposes.) 

Anyway, it was so difficult to wrap my head around how to approach, design, and execute my recovery plan with this array of diagnoses.   

(Here's another tip I want to interject here: You should have an integral role in setting up your treatment plan, or you will run the risk of not owning the plan and therefore not following it.  If your therapist pushes back on this, then go find another one because this is a relationship unto itself and needs to be functional for you to recover effectively.)

Then I came across CPTSD and could safely relegate the PD/A and GAD to being offshoots of CPTSD instead of having 3 different disorders simultaneously.  I consider ADHD as my secondary diagnosis but it has very little, if anything, to do with the abuse I experienced as a child so I won't talk about it much on this blog. 

Therefore, I went from juggling four or five discrete and sometimes conflicting diagnoses to one primary and one secondary.  Remember I'm not a clinician, this is simply how my experience turned out, what works for me, and why I've made CPTSD the fulcrum of this blog upon which each post pivots.  

My diagnostic re-focus allowed me more progress in a couple of months than I had in years (though my therapist would point out that it took those years of work for me to be position to make such good use of those months… and he would be right!) 

Anyway, since I'm not a trained clinician, here are 2 amazing links from someone who is and which further explain CPTSD:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hijacked-your-brain/201306/ptsd-becomes-more-complex-in-the-dsm-5-part-1

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hijacked-your-brain/201306/ptsd-becomes-more-complex-in-the-dsm-5-part-ii

Complex PTSD and Maladaptive Behaviors

Today I want to explore how our childhood traumas have such a profound impact on who we became as adults.  Many men, such as myself, instinctively dissociated from the pain and confusion inflicted upon our newly-forming sense of self and nascent understanding of the world.  In other words, we had no real choice but to avoid confronting the horrors we endured simply to survive as we awaited and reached for the false safety of adulthood.  

I specifically detached from my experiences until I was 32 years old - over 12 years after the final incident - by subconsciously dismissing what happened (repression), consciously pushing aside thoughts and memories (suppression), or flat out deceiving myself and others by downplaying the true severity or impact. 

It came easy to simply insist my childhood was normal and that “of course” there aren’t any ongoing consequences.  To do otherwise was, in my mind, admitting that I was weak-minded and so soft that I couldn’t even get past things which happened when I was a child.  I'm a strong and resilient man who toughs things out damn it! 

Yet it isn’t about being tough-minded or strong-willed.  There were plenty of signs that I had some deep-seated issues which needed to be addressed.  Back in the day when I used to get into fights, I would never remember the first shot I took.  The beginnings of those altercations were never part of my memory.  I always blacked out for a split second (even when it wasn't a blow to the head) and then I'm back.  It's the most bizarre thing, but I never really contemplated why that happened. 

Then through therapy and research I began learning about the dissociative aspects of my mind, which stemmed from the prolonged physical and psychological abuse I sustained as a child.  It was my brain's way of shutting off right when I would start to absorb the blows from my father in an apparent attempt to anesthetize and protect me.  I’ve since tried to explain this as going into mini-shock.  Of course, the pain of successive blows brought me right back to reality... but it is truly bizarre (and a little awe-inspiring) to recognize how adaptive the human brain is. 

This was also how I came to truly comprehend how my coping mechanisms, which were so effective in childhood, were utterly destructive when implemented in the adult world.  This is essentially what is meant by “maladaptive.”  For example, the "mini-shock" reaction helped me not feel the initial attacks from my father during childhood, but it put me at an absurd disadvantage during fights once I got older.  It was adaptation to my traumatic world as a kid but ended up being quite bad for me later. 

I'm not terribly concerned with addressing the particular issue related to fighting because I'm not an idiot teenager/20-something anymore and my last fight was over a decade ago.  However, there are plenty more maladaptive behaviors from childhood which I've subsequently had to overcome or are currently still trying to overcome by re-wiring my brain little by little, day after day.

The significance of this makes it worth repeating: Those coping mechanisms which served us fairly well throughout our disturbing youth are at best unhealthy during adulthood in virtually any context.  It’s okay to be self-absorbed as a child/young adult because your job is basically to focus on yourself and become the best adult version of yourself possible.  Once adulthood hits - and I mean the adulthood of responsibilities - the problems arise as you navigate workplace politics… romantic relationships… new and ever-changing social groupings... parenting your children… and all of the other ways in which adults must become those social animals evolution demand we be. 

Those preservation tactics from my youth are predicated on withdrawal, sole reliance on self, and distrust of virtually everyone.  Those tactics continue to be the ones I initially reach for even now.  I cognitively know adults don’t effectively function this way with all of the responsibilities and pressures associated with career/family/etc, but I still have to work hard at recognizing when I do these things.  That’s what I mean by “doing the work” in recovery.

I do my best to recognize when I use these maladaptive tactics, but it continues to normally come after the fact.  But that’s okay for now.  My therapist uses a football analogy.  Very rarely do you get to score on the first play of a drive.  So I shouldn’t expect myself to completely change my behaviors in this area immediately.  As long as I’m being introspective and honest with myself each time I have these maladaptive behaviors, then I’m moving the ball forward a little bit down the field.  Recognize them often enough, continue to determine more productive and positive methods which would have been better, and I’m slowly but surely retraining my brain to respond differently to various triggers… and that’s the touchdown at the end.

There's a concept called neuroplasticity about which I will go into great detail in a future post because it lies at the heart of why we can fully recover from CPTSD, unlike other diagnoses which require medication and therapy for life.  The basic idea behind neuroplasticity is that parts of the human brain were “wrecked” to a certain extent by the traumas which resulted in CPTSD, but the brain is elastic enough to withstand the wreckage and be “rewired” through recovery as with the process I just explained above.  I’ve already started seeing the results, and I’m working harder than ever as a result.

No matter how much progress you and I make in our recovery, whatever occurred during our life to necessitate recovery in the first place will always be a part of our life story.  We’ve spent so much effort dissociating ourselves willfully or not from the pain of those incidents that the mere thought of outright owning them as our own seems absurd and terrifying.  During my recovery I begrudgingly acknowledged the need to own those parts of myself that I wanted so much to push away, but it was only after many false starts that I finally “got it.” 

I can tell you from experience that this is a painful process.  Those distressing realities of our past need to be embraced as obstacles we will conquer, and only then can we dispatch their current destructive power.  We can become free and whole again by embracing our traumatic history, understanding how our previous defenses have become our current maladaptive behaviors, and then doing the work to retrain our brain away from using them.