Own The Suck: Consolidating My Gains During CPTSD Recovery, Part 1

I’m at the point in my recovery where it’s time to focus more closely on consolidating the intermittent gains I’ve made during the various phases of my recovery.  To that end I have been reading several books which are technically classified within the self-help genre but are nonetheless based upon the findings of scientific research studies.  Instead of writing what amounted to book reviews, however, I chose to wrap it all together.  This is the initial entry of a two-part post on integrating the insights of theses texts into what I’ve achieved through therapy.

My choices of readings were specific to ongoing challenges I have: overcoming my recent failures; handling the toxic relationships in my life; and how to overcome the pragmatic issues of “simple” daily living.  It was my hope to find a way beyond what were heretofore intractable hallmarks of my CPTSD and ADHD - socialization/relationship challenges, emotional regulation, behavioral adaptations, and development of healthy habits within a new life structure.   

The seemingly obvious starting point is the overall fiasco my life has become after the disintegration of my defensive repression of childhood traumas.  That’s what led me to first pick up Rebounders by Rick Newman.  It was written primarily to identify the attributes of "rebounders" - successful people who had been spectacular failures at previous junctures of their lives.  I wasn’t interested in reading about sappy success stories with trite maxims functioning as shortcuts to real change.  I wanted to know about why failure happens, how to overcome it, and most importantly avoid it in the future. 

The crucial feature of recovering from failure seems to be a person’s resilience.  The term “quality resilience” is a psychological term for people becoming more robust, skilled, and durable after setbacks.  In fact, I'm trying to internalize a reframing of the very occurrence of a setback as a weapon wielded to improve myself.  

Whether my setbacks are truly life-altering like divorce or fairly small in the grand scheme of things like an orthopedic injury, what matters is having the resilience to recover.  It does not matter if the setback is singular or one in a seemingly endless series thereof.    As the legendary NFL coach Vince Lombardi said, “It does not matter how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get up.”

This quote seems to be clichéd, but it’s not one of those shortcuts I mentioned wanting to avoid.  It’s an enduring statement of resilience because life never stops throwing you curveballs.  I'm not getting caught up in the optimism of the saying, however, because the truth is that hard work within the construct of a well-constructed plan is how I can learn to adapt and get up off the mat.  (Yeah, I’m a weekend warrior athlete who just shamelessly dropped multiple sports metaphors in one paragraph!)

I have been completely ensnared in the blame game - complaining about what people do to me and generally feeling sorry for myself.  This was my default attitude after I finally accepted my childhood of abuse and the subsequent problems I’ve experienced.  It turns out that I was what Newman referred to as a “wallower.”  I got rattled about being emotionally overwhelmed due to having never been taught any emotional regulation.  I became angry and indignant about my circumstances.  "It's not fair, damnit!"  Just realizing this painful truth about myself did not get me past it, however.

This brings me to another book I read, Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Craig Buck.  While the topic is self-explanatory, I was able to extrapolate the lessons to toxic relationships of any nature.  This book crystallized for me the idea that my behavior regarding my circumstances was partially due to my refusal to reclaim my own life from those who mistreated me.  I don’t have to forgive an unrepentant father or a vindictive ex-wife, and I don’t have to allow their actions to drive negative overwhelming emotional responses such as anger and indignation.

Don’t get it twisted, though.  I’ve learned through therapy and Toxic Parents that I don’t have to meekly forgive and forget.  Unearned absolution for what these people have done and continue to do to me is just another form denial.  Denial is a significant maladaptive behavior I used as a child to survive and brought forth into adulthood.  To just forgive and forget is to pretend none of it happened which is the clearest form of denial. 

It is important that I instead process what has already occurred and respond intelligently to what continues to happen instead of knee-jerk reacting.  Otherwise I just allow myself to devolve into emotional chaos.  Unilateral forgiveness is to deny my reality and feelings and possibly subconsciously ascribe responsibility to myself, which is flat out crazy-making.  I need to accept what has happened, not get overwhelmed or angry, and move forward for myself.  Interestingly enough, this approximates what rebounders do regarding their failures.

Rebounders get past the circumstances of their problems and get to the business of solving them.  One term that stuck with me was “own the suck.”  It referred to military helicopter pilot Tammy Duckworth who lost both legs after being shot down.  The “suck” is an oft-used term by service personnel to describe fighting in terrible environmental conditions in various Mideast conflicts.  Owning the suck in my context means accepting my situation for what it is and doing what I can about it instead of wasting personal resources bemoaning the situation itself.

Rebounders have the self-awareness that allows for an accurate appreciation of why things go right or wrong both in the external environment and also within themselves.  I can’t successfully solve a problem if I cannot diagnose all of its facets properly, so I had to get my arms around my internal issues irrespective of their potential external origin.  It’s okay to be wrong, but it’s not okay to be wrong-headed.  My emotional immaturity and lack of regulation is part of what drove my stubbornness.

My emotions came over me like a tsunami after a lifetime of suppression.  One maladaptive aspect of my personality that carried over from childhood was not feeling virtually any emotion at all.  Of course the emotions were always simmering underneath my veil of calm and being comported at virtually all times.  Rebounders actually are recognized for their ability to compartmentalize emotion without ignoring it altogether, which is what I had done.  They do not become dominated by emotion as I had been for the past six years after becoming a father. 

Developing resilience is not something to be done merely by force of temperament, however.  The important piece here is that self-awareness is paramount to bouncing back.  Wallowers rarely question their own judgment or conduct a truly introspective analysis even when giving the appearance of doing so.  They get hung up on external factors while also tending to overestimate their abilities and talent.  Former US President Calvin Coolidge once noted, “nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent… (and) the world is full of educated derelicts.”  I refuse to be categorized as such.

The upside is that the resilience of rebounders is neither developed nor maintained like inherent talent or intelligence.  Mother Nature doesn’t need to endow us with it because we can develop the attributes of resiliency incrementally.  Once we own the suck it becomes time to take action to adopt the other traits rebounders have which allow them to keep moving in spite of their negative situations.

One critical action is preparing for the things which will inevitably go wrong.  I need to prepare for how to be comfortable with setbacks, hardship, and inconvenience because that is what's required to move toward my goals.  My internal desire to do things as perfectly as possible engenders impatience both with respect to having failures at all as well as the length of time it takes to realize substantial gains.  This impatience, combined with my CPTSD-generated anxiety, tends to spiral me downward into self-loathing, frustration, and inability to act.  Therefore I need to remain cognitively vigilant about responding well.

I also continue working on internalizing the reality that I’ll never be completely free of the anxiety, guilt, fear, and confusion in my life because of what I’ve endured.  These things can simply no longer be allowed to define me or control my actions and responses to triggers.  I can plan to anticipate these issues as well.  This will allow me to develop the change in habits required to alter those maladaptive behaviors which linger and occasionally continue to control my life.  Now that I’m doing my best to own the suck, the process of changing daily habits to effect a consolidation of my gains made during recovery is what I focus on next... and the subject of Part 2.  

Music in My Recovery From Child Abuse

I had contemplated researching and writing my own piece on how to best utilize music during therapy in general and specifically with regard to my own recovery.  However, I found an article that has more or less already accomplished the former while I’ll save the latter for a future post.  I better understand why music has been such an integral aspect of my life, and now I can’t imagine not integrating music into my recovery. 

Thanks to www.chapterscapistrano.com

Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily agree with the particular choices of music in this article because I believe each individual has their own preferences for which type of music is appropriate for them.  For example, I use Miles Davis-type jazz, golden age hip hop, funk/soul, and new hyped-up hip hop.  Yet you might find that country, classic rock, heavy metal, punk, or golden oldies is what does it for you. 

My point is more that you should integrate music into your recovery and therapy in some way.  The following was guest written by Frank Fitzpatrick, Director / Founder of EarthTones, a multi-Platinum producer, Grammy-nominated songwriter, and award-winning filmmaker.

1. Starting Out Right – Rise with Music

Imagine if the sun bolted into the sky each morning like the sudden switching on of a floodlight, or if every day started with a sonic boom. That’s what it may feel like when you wake up to a clock radio blaring the morning news, a soda commercial, or just buzzing a harsh alarm.

Consider being a little kinder to yourself. Try waking to a familiar piece of music that eases you into the day like a beautiful sunrise, or a lover’s caress, and starts you out in a good mood. This is easy to program if you have a smart phone that allows you to assign a song as your alarm.

Once you are up and moving, fill your room with beautiful and inspiring music. Create a playlist or CD of music that relaxes and inspires you. A positive morning music ritual is a sure way to start your day off in a better mood and keep your busy mind from dragging you back into the worries of yesterday, today, or tomorrow.

2. Daily Medicine – Sing with Music

If you want to take the positive effects of listening to music to another level, try singing. Singing is one of the best ways to shift the vibrations of our thoughts and the very cells of our body, helping slow and regulate breathing and promote relaxation. Sing in the shower; sing in the car; hum a lullaby before you go to sleep. You can sing “a capella,” or to a recording. Don’t worry if you think you are a “good” singer or not; this is not about performing or putting yourself in another stressful situation. Just enjoy the feeling of melody moving through you.

If you’re going to sing, pick songs you know will put you in a better mood, inspire you, or help you relax. Pay attention to how different you feel after a few minutes of singing aloud, and make note of the songs that make you feel best so you can return to them when you need them most.

3. Instrumental Moments – Play with Music

Whether you are a well-versed musician or just beginning to learn how to play an instrument, spend a few minutes in the morning playing music. It can be simple scales or rudimentary exercises, a favorite song, or something improvisational. Playing music is like a mega-vitamin, engaging more areas of the human brain than any other activity. Music’s ability to help us shift thought patterns and moods, and even improve our physical well-being, is quite remarkable.

It is important, however, that you approach the exercise with a positive attitude and avoid taking on something too challenging that might lead to frustration or negative self-judgment about your skill level. There is a reason they call it “playing” music and not “working” music. The point is to connect to your instrument in a positive, relaxed, and joyful way, and then let the vibration of the music do its magic. The more you can be present and truly enjoy the experience, the more it will help keep the stress at bay.

4. Mantra – Reprogram with Music

Unfortunately, our brain is built with a negativity bias. Due to pre-historic man’s primary need for survival and self-preservation, our brain has more neurons dedicated to respond to and process negative thoughts and stimuli than positive ones. We tend to hold onto those negative impressions longer and repeat them more often, either consciously or subconsciously, reinforcing those anxiety and fear producing vibrations. This is one of the reasons it can be difficult to pull ourselves out of that downward spiral when we feel overwhelmed with stress and anxiety.

Although it takes more effort to trigger the part of our brain that reassures us it is okay to relax, music can help us do so. One of the keys to breaking repeating negative thought patterns that fuel stress is to create new and stronger positive ones. This is the reason for repeating positive affirmations, focusing on more self-assuring thoughts, or chanting mantra—to reprogram our brain, all the way down into our subconscious.

Adding music or melody to those positive thoughts engages more areas of the brain and can help us, over time, reprogram our general demeanor or basic outlook, making us less susceptible to stress triggers. A mantra can be a couple of syllables or an entire phrase or verse. It can come from a sacred prayer, a familiar hymn, a tune you create, or a short refrain from your favorite song–something that encapsulates the feeling you want to create. The repetition of the mantra, especially if set to music, can be a great technique to use as a daily practice, or one to turn to whenever you start to feel stressed or overwhelmed. Accompanied by your clear intention and a little faith, you will be able to transform yourself to a more centered, relaxed, and joyful state. The more emotion and the greater the number of repetitions you do, as well as the more frequently you do the practice, the stronger the effect will be.

5. Emotion in Motion – Move with Music

If you have a daily exercise routine, try taking music along with you. A morning walk or run, or even yoga or stretching, can become easier and more enjoyable if you have music as your personal coach and companion. Again, it is important for you to choose music that works for you and that you know will have the effect you are trying to achieve. This may take a little trial and error to sort out at first, so be sure to take note of the musical selections that help you feel inspired and promote a sense of personal wellbeing.

Movement—whether walking, stretching, yoga, running, playing sports, or other kinds of workout—can also be one of the best ways to eliminate built-up tension and lactic acid that gets trapped in our bodies and creates stress and disease. Adding music can enhance the effect.

For a great daily routine to manage stress, try what I like to call the 3Ms: Music, Movement, and Meditation. A good blend of 10 – 20 minutes of each on a daily basis will transform your life. If you don't know how to meditate, try a different meditative practice like journaling, stretching, or reading something that inspires you.

6. Traffic Jammin’ – Commute with Music

I don’t know about you, but one of the quickest ways I become stressed is by sitting in gridlock traffic and worrying that I might be late for an important appointment. Unfortunately, getting stressed or worrying about it doesn’t make the time go slower nor the traffic move faster. Because a traffic jam is one situation where it is difficult to change the external circumstances, we must resort to changing our own internal state to avoid and relieve stress. You can always use the commute time to catch up on the news and your phone calls, but the secluded environment of a car is the ideal place to practice shifting your mood through music.

Keep a collection of your music in your car that helps you de-stress, release tension, or lift your spirits. Singing along will take the effect to another level. If you are sharing the ride, encourage the others to join you as you explore musical ways to improve the quality of your life and your relationship with others and the world around you. You might do this by simply agreeing on some relaxing background music to play behind your morning dialog, sharing your favorite new music with one another, or finding something you all enjoy and singing along together. If you have a regular commute, it can be a great time to listen to a variety of music to explore what works best for you and determine what you will want to add to your driving playlist.

7. On the Job – Work with Music

Work environments are often quite stressful. This can be especially true when there are several different personalities in the same space, or when overwhelming work pressures are compounded by office politics or an individual’s personal issues.

The right background music can help everyone work through routine tasks in a better mood, and listening to inspiring music on breaks can help us recharge our own systems. Relaxing background music can also help mask potentially annoying distractions in noisier work environments.

Just like in a family household, however, different people at work may have quite different musical likes and dislikes. Music that is relaxing or inspiring for one person may be annoying to another. Sharing musical preferences and introducing our musical discoveries to co-workers can sometimes be a good way to build stronger interpersonal relationships and understanding, which in turn helps diminish stress created through prejudice or lack of communication and acceptance. Discovering common musical interests within shared environments helps build a more connected and nurturing community at the office.

8. A Sonic Diet – Meet with Music

When choosing locations to eat, hold business meetings, or visit with friends, be conscious of the sound environment, including the noise level and type of music that is played. Loud noisy environments, as much as we try to ignore them, can contribute to unconscious stress and tension build-up without us even knowing it.

Just as eating junk food increases stress and toxicity in our system, an unconscious or unhealthy sonic diet can do the same. Quieter environments, with more soothing and relaxing music, will help you relax more naturally.

9. Active Listening – Tune In with Music

There is more than one way to listen to music. We can let it play in the background while we give our attention to something or someone else, or we can become actively involved in the listening process. “Active Listening” engages more areas of the human brain and resonates more deeply in the cells of our bodies. This makes it a more powerful process for transforming our thoughts and emotions. Active Listening, however, requires you to give your full and undivided attention to the sonic experience.

Start by eliminating any distractions and choosing a slower piece of music with which you resonate deeply. Then close your eyes, slow down your breathing, and tune into something inside the music with which you can follow along—like the melody or a particular instrument.

Taking a few minutes out from the computer, the phone, internal mind chatter, and the worries and stress of work and life, to stop and actively listen to a piece of music, can serve as a great tune up–to de-stress, recharge, or simply enjoy a musical journey through the fields of your imagination.

10. Happy Hour – Recline with Music

Instead of rushing to catch the evening news, jumping on the Internet, or flipping through the TV channels to unwind when you finally arrive home, try making music part of your end-of-day unwinding ritual. Put all the connections to and from the outside world on pause and replace it with a few of your favorite tunes. This time however, instead of practicing Active Listening, let the music do the work. If there is too much distraction in your home, try lying down with some headphones and an eye pillow. Allow the sound to move through you and simply let go—of your thoughts, of your day, of your stress. Ease your transition from the challenging world outside, and slip into the healing world of sound.

If you are a parent and find the kids to be a big contributor to your stress, teach them to join you. You can share the same musical selections together or have each family member listen to their own music on headphones during the designated time. Music is a great resource to help parents manage the sometimes-overwhelming energy of their children.

11. Getting In Sync – Unite with Music

Playing music with others in a caring and supportive environment can be a great way to channel pepped up energy from frustration or stress. Join a drum circle or local choir or band, or play music with friends or family members at home. Remember to “play.” The key to playing music for fun and relaxation is to be sure all the participants agree that the main purpose is for everyone to enjoy themselves and the music making process, so there is no competition or fear of being judged. There is a kind of shorthand communication and physiologically entrainment that can take place when people play music or sing together. With the right balance, performing in a group can be a great outlet to alleviate stress and break the patterns of the day.

12. Daily Groove – Dance with Music

Dancing, and especially dancing to music, is an incredible way to reduce stress and land you in a better mood. You receive all the benefits of physical exercise and Active Listening while having fun. Simply add a few cools moves to your five-minute tune up, dance around your home or office alone, or join your partner or group of friends dancing out on the down. Taking a dance class can be a great way to raise your spirits, release your stress, improve your health, and help you feel more confident and relaxed when you decide to step out.

If you are someone who worries that dancing is not a productive way to spend your time, you can relax about that, too. According to a report in the New England Journal of Medicine, dancing can even make you smarter. The author of the study claims that one of the best things we can do to improve our cognitive functions is to dance in rhythm with music.

Your Personal Playlist – Choosing the Right Music

I am often asked: What music should I listen to if I want to relax, be happier, and feel more in balance? The answer can vary widely for different individuals. Although music has been scientifically proven to be beneficial on a number of levels, musical preferences are very subjective. One thing that is for sure, however, is that we want to be conscientious about the music we choose to listen to and the musical and sonic input that we expose ourselves to.

Music is a powerful alchemy that affects our perceptions, emotions, and physical well-being, whether we are paying attention or not. As much as music can relax us, the wrong music can agitate us and add to our stress. Typically slower, more pattern-oriented music can help regulate and relax our systems, and more up-tempo music can get us up-and-going. Happier songs can often lighten the mood quickly, and sometimes bring back fond memories.

Even sad songs can sometimes help us process heavy emotions we need to move through before we can shift to a new and happier place. Other times, a session of hard rock music can help us release our anger before we can calm down enough to relax.

Lyrics also affect us. Like mantras, these words and ideas are implanted into our subconscious through the music, reinforcing thought patterns that can affect our mood or outlook. I usually recommend omitting songs that have harsh or condescending lyrics, or that don’t emotionally resonate with you on a deep level.

Happiness = Life with Music

Try one or two of the above suggestions. The key to determining what works best for you is to pay attention to how you feel—before, during, and after listening, singing, or playing. Note the state of your mood when you start versus after you are done. Ultimately, it will be most effective to create your own playlists or choose a couple CDs of music you have discovered to be most effective at helping to improve your mood and alleviate your stress. The one thing I can guarantee you is that life feels better with music.

Complex PTSD Recovery & Identity

One of the more challenging aspects of my recovery from Complex PTSD due to a childhood of repeated traumas is not allowing it to overtake my own identity.  How do I transform myself through overcoming my maladaptive and self-defeating behaviors without forever linking that transformation to who I am intrinsically?  How can I prevent this from being the defining aspect of my identity?

Surviving child abuse and recovering from its effects have been the over-arching themes of my life story for a few years now, and I’m completely fatigued from it.  I've told those few who are close to me about my recovery, but I’m not sure how much more open I should become.  I don’t want to forever be known as “the guy with PTSD because he was abused” or “the child-abuse dude who fell apart for a few years in his 30’s.” 

At the same time, however, I want to scream from the rooftops about it so others can learn from what happened to me initially in childhood and then much later in life.  Maybe a father out there somewhere stops himself before bouncing his 8-year old’s face off a fender because there was some dirt still left there after the kid washed the van.  Maybe there’s a college student out there who will hear my story, realize what he went through as a kid wasn’t normal at all, and go get help sooner rather than later.  

Look, I’m not trying to be some martyr here or anything.  I don’t need anyone to feel bad for me.  I don’t want sympathy.  This is not some vain-glorious pursuit of self-aggrandizement.  I’m just trying to fashion a silver lining in an otherwise completely dreadful set of circumstances.  Recovering fully would be sufficient enough, but I’ve gone through hell and I want more than to just break even.

It’s been suggested to me by several people in the mental health field that I should marshal my experiences, education, and ability to communicate in order to do some good for others in this particular area.  I’ve been told that I should write a book, become a peer mentor/counselor, or maybe consider being more of a public face since so few men are willing to do so. 

It’s one reason I started writing this blog.  This might be the foundation of a book, a jump start into writing for periodicals, or maybe this will stand on its own and be effective at helping others.  Of course it's quite possible this will be something that nobody really reads or cares about, and that's not the worst thing because I’m terrified that this will be the everlasting impression I leave… the thing for which I’m remembered (assuming I’m remembered at all!).

Yet I’m also starting to wonder if maybe I should just continue to do this anonymously because I don’t want this to become the predominant aspect of my identity.  I truthfully don’t want to identify with it forever even though I know it will always be a footnote on every page of my life story.  I’m still anonymous right now because I’m not completely convinced that I want to be forever associated with having recovered from Complex PTSD due to physical and psychological traumas in childhood.  Just typing those last few words and envisioning people reading it with my name attached to them stresses me more than just a bit.

On the other hand, I know that there’s no way to make a true impact anonymously.  If I’m going to have any measure of success at realizing that silver lining, I’m going to have to put my name on it.  Otherwise I’m just playing into the societal stigma and reinforcing the fear many men have about admitting what happened to them really messed them up.  How can I encourage men to be brave and face down the problems they face as a result of their childhoods if I’m not stout enough to openly own my personal experiences?

It’s just that I want my identity to be more about who I am as a person, the things I enjoy doing, and the ways that I spend my time:

I’m a granola guy who loves nature, camping, rafting, fishing, hiking, boating, and generally anything else done outdoors. 

I’m an over-the-top football fan who convinced a bar in the heart of Chicago to become an Atlanta Falcons watching spot that fills up every Sunday bringing Dirtybird fans together and now has Falcons flags, banners, and a 10-foot blow-up guy out front on the sidewalk.  It’s such an amazing thing to be a part of.

I write football columns and articles for a Falcons website affiliated with Sports Illustrated. 

I tutor adult learners trying to get their GED, pass the US citizenship test, or whatever their goals may be. 

I’m a loving and occasionally overzealous father of two girls who knows way more about My Little Pony than any 30-something man ever should. 

I’m the old guy still streetballin’ at the gym with the young bucks. 

I’m the grill-master-forever-in-training who loves nothing more than to hold court while turning racks of ribs and Vidalia onions on a hot summer day. 

I’m the MacGuyver-ish dude who gets a bizarre pleasure from fixing damn near anything. 

Don’t even get me started on my geeky side because that’s at least another 3 paragraphs!

My point is that there’s so much more to me than just being a child abuse survivor.  But if I come out hard and heavy, and I really do this right… then will the rest of me get swallowed up in the process?  Does everything else in my life get overshadowed?  I have so much trepidation that I will forever be stamped by what I’m in the process of overcoming instead of simply getting to actualize all of the other aspects of my identity. 

Of course, that’s the problem.  This is part of who I am and nothing will ever change that.  Either it’s a known fact of my life, or it’s something I try to hide forever. 

No.  To hell with that.  I’m tired of hiding this as though it’s something I should be ashamed of people knowing.  I didn’t ask for a childhood like that, and I surely didn’t want to be in recovery from it 15-20 years later.  Those who will think ill of me or keep their distance as a result are exactly the kind of people I don’t want in my life anyway.  Maybe it’ll be a great way of filtering out the wrong kind of people, and then they can identify me as whoever or whatever they please. 

My identity is mine and will not be subject to any label placed upon it by others.  Being a child abuse survivor may end up being what people most know me for, and it will always be a part of me, but I won’t let it become all that I am because I’m a hell of a lot more than that.

My Frozen World: CPTSD-induced Dissociation

It’s Sunday night a bit past 9pm, the curfew during “winter hours” at the wellness center I now find myself in.  I haven’t had a curfew since I was a sophomore in high school.  It’s not that I was forced here, however.  I can come and go as I please and can grab my stuff and walk out that front door right now.  Thing is, though, I’m actually glad to be here… to a certain extent, anyway.

I was homeless for a relatively short period of time because I had to immediately move out as I was allergic to black mold which began to spew its spores once the heat and humidity of summer hit.  I had to get everything out and into storage so the spores didn’t infiltrate all of my belongings.

I couldn’t find another apartment quickly enough because of my credit, which was in tatters for much the same reason that I became homeless: a confluence of circumstances sent me spinning into my “Frozen World.”  This is my euphemism for what happens to me when a stressor or a combination thereof induce the fight-flight-freeze response.

My Complex PTSD, stemming from physical and psychological childhood traumas, indirectly brought my Frozen World into existence.  I was cognitively aware of these repeated events from my youth but I never emotionally approached them. 

I chalked them up to “childhood as usual" and unknowingly threw up a psychological defensive barrier against feeling any of the related emotions.  This is my Frozen World, but it existed solely in regards to those childhood traumas until relatively recently.

Outside the context of dealing with my childhood experiences, I never previously froze up except for extremely short-term situations.  I fought like hell to defeat the daunting challenges of my life.  That’s the only way I could have made it as far as I had in this world considering the lack of opportunities due to my original socio-economic status (that would be “white trash”).

Finding out I was to be a father caused me to reflect on what kind of father I had.  This brought out so much internal darkness and pain that it swamped my brain’s defenses and swept away the boundaries of my Frozen World. 

The flood of emotions was such that I only dealt with everything thereafter by freezing instead of fighting or fleeing.  I was never one to run away from anything, but I simply lost the capacity to fight.  My Frozen World had now expanded to encompass my entire life.

I progressively began freezing in a state of denial and inaction whenever presented with any type of significant stressor.  With regard to my apartment, I failed to quickly find a landlord willing to risk my credit score.  I had nowhere else to go and no natural support since my family is 900 miles away. 

I couldn’t live with my girlfriend at the time because she had a clause in her divorce agreement preventing that due to her young daughters.  I stayed in hotels the other 80% of nights and ate at restaurants three or four times daily, all of which quickly drained my finances.

I could no longer keep my own girls for overnights, which devastated both them and me.  It also placed me in my ex’s crosshairs because I just knew she would use it against me in court to take the 45% custody I was awarded.  The stress and frustration of it all was simply too much, so I entered my Frozen World and simply acted as though there was no problem at all. 

It’s not like I went into a deep depression or anything.  I didn’t go on some substance abuse bender.  I was happy with my new girlfriend, enjoyed summertime Chicago, went camping, was hanging out socially for the first time in years, and was more or less free of my ex-wife and her manipulative family.  I simply enjoyed life while completely ignoring all of the problems I cognitively knew about but could not emotionally handle.  There’s no room for emotion on my Frozen World.

I eventually began sleeping in my SUV, but that wasn’t so bad because it’s designed for that purpose when camping.  This became my norm for many weeks, even though I still sometimes stayed in a hotel when my spinal fusion acted up. 

Then the money essentially ran out altogether.  Even still I was safely ensconced within my Frozen World, so I just kept on living as normally as I could.  It was fairly normal actually, and yet also simultaneously de-stabilizing in ways which I only now understand after the fact.

So I’m basically homeless, almost completely out of money, the bond between me and my girls was straining, and then my girlfriend ran for the hills (or Lincoln Park).  She knew about everything, but it became too much for her to handle.  She tried to tough it out, but her heart couldn’t bear the weight of it all and she had to kill our special connection to save herself.  I don’t blame her at all.  It’s what I would have told my own daughters to do.

Once she left me, however, I completely came apart at the seams.  Her resilience was a crutch allowing my mind to continue its presence on my Frozen World.  I almost immediately had two bouts of suicidal ideation within 10 days, but these were little more than elaborate cries for help.  Suicide could never have happened because to kill myself would have been either a fight or flight response.  All I seem to be able to do anymore is freeze. 

Fact is, I love this life.  Even with all the horrific things I went through and how I’m currently reduced to essentially nothing, I am so grateful to be alive.  I need only to think of this past summer in order to reflect on the simple wonders this world provides.  Even if I didn’t feel this way, the fact is that I have two little girls who deserve to grow up with their Daddy.  I could never be so selfish as to willingly abandon them via suicide or any other means.

The social worker at the hospital I checked myself into at the end of my final ideation suggested I come to the wellness center from which I now write this.  I went on the wait list and luckily just a week or so later I found my sanctuary.  This is a place for persons with various mental health challenges to get short-term stabilization in their lives, tame or control the effects of their condition(s), and get back to successfully restart their lives.

In only my third night here I have already developed a sense of safety, stability, and hope I wasn’t sure I’d ever get back.  This has unfortunately been intermittently interrupted by thoughts of that which I once was, had, and dreamed.  

It’s impossible to not be introspective given the opportunities and successes I’ve already experienced.  Yet I need only to look around at the significance of what other residents here face to confirm just how fortunate I am to have the abilities and talents Mother Nature has lovingly bestowed upon me.

I’ve been stripped almost completely of my confidence, pride, and ego.  Yet I consider this to be a positive development.  My life can now be reconstructed in a healthy way and be cognizant of all that which I could never admit or even know about myself before now.  

For the first time in my life I have support from people without any ulterior motives.  They aren’t invested in specifically what I do with my life like the “support” I had before with my family, my ex-wife, and her family.  Now it’s simply about me being healthy and happy regardless of what form that takes.  

It’s akin to being forced to demolish and then rebuild your dream home because it had a poorly-constructed foundation hidden beneath a façade of finery.   I’ve cried a monsoon of tears as my old life caved in on itself, and I will continue to weep on occasion for the wonderful yet irreplaceable parts of my life which were irretrievably destroyed.  

Those tears are no longer ones of regret or shame, though.  Those are feelings which breed self-loathing and can quickly spiral me down back into my Frozen World.  These are tears of grieving and, like all grief, they will diminish over time.

I understand myself so much better and have a deeper trust in what my therapy/recovery can accomplish.  There's no lingering doubt in my mind about whether I'm capable of true change.  I’m no longer on my Frozen World and I endeavor to never return but, if I do, I know how to better handle it.  My second life will be vastly superior because it’s to be built on a stronger and more secure foundation like that second dream home... and I'm finally ready to start pouring the concrete.

Complex PTSD Recovery: The Neutral Zone of Transition

I'm now moving from my personal nadir into something I refer to as the "neutral zone" of transition based on William Bridges' work.  This neutral zone is the time after mourning for the childhood I never had and regret over not avoiding just how screwed up my life has become by getting therapy earlier. 

It’s time to reinvent myself now, though.  I’ve done much of the initial work required to recover, but not quite all of it.  However, my progress has been sufficient enough to begin advancing to the next stage.  It's this period of time in which so many things are now possible which weren't before I began my therapy, and for the first time ever I get to do it on my own terms. 

While my marriage ended in a cluster-bomb of animosity, regret, and confusion, I can now find a partner better suited to how I need to live happily.  Not only did my personal life run off the rails, but my career in healthcare management and consulting is in tatters from neglect and the inability to effectively network because of my past problems socializing as an adult.  

However, starting from scratch allows me the freedom in this neutral zone to consider becoming a teacher/professor, maybe start an outdoors excursions outfit, or run a small non-profit without regret or guilt that I should be out there making well into six figures annually just because I feel an internal pressure given I have the education and ability to easily do so. 

There’s been considerable external pressure in the past as well.  Besides the fact that I’m the golden child of the family, my ex-wife once told me the only thing she truly cared about regarding my career was that I make at least $100k/year for her to be comfortable.  I didn't realize the impact that had on me at the time, but thereafter I was consumed with making sure my career path brought me into that income tier.  Now I can find a partner who doesn't care which income bracket I’m in, but she'll rather want me for who I am and prefer I do something fulfilling that gives me a sense of joy. 

Most of my old friends have been out of the picture after I basically went into hiding for 2 years, but it'll be interesting to see who's still there for me as I embark on the beginning of the post-apocalyptic chapter of my life.  It's truly exciting to think about all of the new friendships and romances I can have without all of that emotional baggage holding me down and screwing things up for me.  

Yes, my first real relationship after splitting from my ex-wife has recently been snuffed out mainly because I still have not completely escaped some of the bad habits from my past.  To be specific, I subconsciously hit the self-destruct button on any relationship when someone gets too close and I feel vulnerable.  

It's a direct result of being abused or neglected by the people I loved and idolized growing up.  I learned then that allowing people too close to you only results in pain.  Keep them at arms' length and I'm protected.  It's amazing to look back and see the patterns across relationships of all types, and it's even more amazing I never saw them before.  

The only exception thus far has been my ex-wife, but that's only because she's a psychologist and could recognize and dismiss my nonsense as just that instead of thinking it really had anything to do with her.  Yet I won't go into a downward spiral fueled by self-loathing and regret for my mistakes with this most recent relationship.  I accept it as another opportunity to recognize, learn, and change so that it doesn't happen again.  It’s easy to say, but so damn hard to do.

So this post is all about transitioning from whatever low point you're currently at in your life to a more healthy and functional one.  If you feel like your life is over, then good!  Unless you're dead and reading this from the afterlife, your life is not in fact over.  This means there’s a litany of opportunities awaiting you now.  It's time to relinquish the behavioral programming from childhood and learn more sophisticated and mature behaviors.  

I'm not saying that you should reject and ignore your old life.  Never forget that owning your past is the key to overcoming it.  It's critical to extricate the impact of our past traumas from our present reality.  The avoidance, repression, and suppression causes us to be clueless as to what's happening around us, which was great for us when we were kids under constant threat... but we can't afford to check out from reality as adults.  

This is what I did for a few years: I simply checked out little by little around the time my first child was born.  That adult experience of becoming a parent triggered a jail-break release for my childhood demons who had been in repressive purgatory... and I was simply overwhelmed emotionally.  It's similar to what happened with Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans.  The defenses which held all that water at bay were simply insufficient in the face of such a deluge.  

This was what I experienced starting a little bit before the birth of my first born.  Then came the ever-quickening descent into the black hole of CPTSD: night terrors; flashbacks; self-loathing; you name it.  That was then, though.  Now is completely different.  I'm into my Neutral Zone now.  I no longer have panic attacks.  I recognize my maladaptive behaviors even though I've not completely conquered them.  The point is that my loss and grieving period is over, and now I have to figure what my new beginning looks like.  This is what the neutral zone is all about.

It's true that I'm in a limbo of sorts because I no longer hold onto the past and haven't quite set my future plan, but this is not filled with stress and consternation.  Yes, I'm still unsure of how to configure my future, but I'm figuring things out little by little as I continue through this introspective journey called recovery.  In the past, this type of limbo would have brought me crashing down to my knees, but now I'm truly enjoying this time of discovery about myself and how I want the next half of my life to materialize.  

Don't get it twisted, though.  I still go through some fairly craptastic days because I still grapple with the consequences of my old world: lack of social circle, financial difficulties, legal problems, employment difficulties, etc.  However, I never expected there to be a clear line of demarcation between the old me and the newly forming one. 

This is a transition and not just a mere change.  A change is really just a function of a singular decision or one-time situation.  My transition is an inner release of how my life was and embracing what my life is becoming.  Being in the neutral zone portion of my transition has meant serious and rapid progress for me.  I’m trying to push out of it now, but I’m okay with the idea that it may take longer than I want because I’m confident that I’ll make it eventually.

Hopefully this will help you advance in your recovery, get past the problems of your old life, and feel more comfortable about your own neutral zone as you realize how much better it’s all going to get if you put the work in. 

CPTSD Recovery & My New Life

I'm just now realizing, two years after separation from my ex-wife, that there's an entire world out there that always existed, but was completely outside my grasp.  I began the relationship with my ex at 20 years old, and every major decision thereafter was either made for me by her or made with her as the primary consideration.

Eighteen years later I find myself feeling like I'm 20 again.  I'm rudderless in an ocean of possibilities...  I just don't know what to do or how to do it.  I missed the selfish years most people get in their 20's.   Living in a few different cities; The trips with the guys to Vegas;  having complete responsibility over career direction;  the crazy relationships of 20-somethings;  I never got a chance at any of that.

I was too confident back in the day to realize what I didn’t know.   Now I have the experiential benefit yet lack the required self-assurance to move forward with any real measure of conviction.  It’s a strange space to inhabit.  Add a very unhealthy dose of CPTSD-driven anxiety and you have my recipe for paralysis of action.

Not that I regret the decision to marry my ex.  The love and life we shared was mostly wonderful and infinitely more worthy than those selfish pursuits.  I only mention this because most people don’t get divorced in their late 30s from the only person they’ve been with since the age of 20.  Most of the divorced people I know got married somewhere in their mid-to-late 20s, and so they’ve already experienced “the single life.”  I haven’t, and so this is all so new to me.

I'm stuck in this city that I mostly detest until my 2 daughters go to college in roughly 14 years.  I have a deep feeling of helplessness regarding where I live even after no longer having to factor my ex into the equation.  This helplessness is one reason my life has been stuck in neutral for the past two years.  I now recognize that resentment and helplessness are feelings leading to nowhere.  Now it's critical that I make the most of my time here, and this is what my post today is all about.

My first real post-marital relationship has just ended.  While lasting only a few months, it was sufficient enough to provide me with the confidence required to kick-start my life into first and then second gears.  It was exactly what I needed, if not necessarily everything I wanted.  She made me understand I’m still worthy and valued by women of her caliber... even with my psychological warts and all.   .

Just dating her and introducing her to my girls gave me the ability to recognize the power I now have over my life.  It's been quite the revelation that I'm now making my own life decisions based solely on myself and what I want out of life.  (Of course, my daughters are a factor but not an anchor-like one as before.)  That's not to say I won't adjust once I'm in a long-term relationship, but it's good for me to have a period in my life like this. I had always wondered what it would be like.

Well, I'm about to find out!

While I can't exactly act as though I'm in my 20's, it does approximate how I'm approaching this.  I'm considering a complete career change.  I chose my own apartment.  I’m dating different women.  I'm choosing my own friends based on my own opinions.  That may not seem like much to most people, but consider that I've spent 2 years in almost complete social isolation because of my CPTSD-induced combination of self-loathing, shame, and confusion. 

I could barely understand everything happening inside of me much less explain it to others.  Most of my close friends were either part of my ex's family or somehow closely related to her, and I did not need any more of her in my life than absolutely required.  That, coupled with my brother moving to Atlanta around the same time, is how I instantly lost my entire social network.  I never developed my own due to, you guessed it, CPTSD-induced trust issues.  I naturally latched on to those my ex already trusted, my brother moved here just after I did, and it was plenty for me. 

I’m slowly building my own network, but it’s incredibly difficult for me even though I’m very gregarious and outgoing.  I make acquaintances so very easily.  My problem has always been my predilection toward detonating relationships of any kind once the person gets too close to me.  It’s an old self-defense mechanism learned from my childhood that’s so ingrained that I have to make conscious efforts to overcome.

As for the non-relational parts of my life, I still don't know what to do.  At least I'm finally moving in the right directions and making progress.  While more than just a tad frightened, I’m also thrilled at all of the opportunities which lie before me (almost too many).  There’s a whole world waiting for me, and I’m so glad to finally have the ability to go exploring on my own.

Complex PTSD and Maladaptive Behaviors

Today I want to explore how our childhood traumas have such a profound impact on who we became as adults.  Many men, such as myself, instinctively dissociated from the pain and confusion inflicted upon our newly-forming sense of self and nascent understanding of the world.  In other words, we had no real choice but to avoid confronting the horrors we endured simply to survive as we awaited and reached for the false safety of adulthood.  

I specifically detached from my experiences until I was 32 years old - over 12 years after the final incident - by subconsciously dismissing what happened (repression), consciously pushing aside thoughts and memories (suppression), or flat out deceiving myself and others by downplaying the true severity or impact. 

It came easy to simply insist my childhood was normal and that “of course” there aren’t any ongoing consequences.  To do otherwise was, in my mind, admitting that I was weak-minded and so soft that I couldn’t even get past things which happened when I was a child.  I'm a strong and resilient man who toughs things out damn it! 

Yet it isn’t about being tough-minded or strong-willed.  There were plenty of signs that I had some deep-seated issues which needed to be addressed.  Back in the day when I used to get into fights, I would never remember the first shot I took.  The beginnings of those altercations were never part of my memory.  I always blacked out for a split second (even when it wasn't a blow to the head) and then I'm back.  It's the most bizarre thing, but I never really contemplated why that happened. 

Then through therapy and research I began learning about the dissociative aspects of my mind, which stemmed from the prolonged physical and psychological abuse I sustained as a child.  It was my brain's way of shutting off right when I would start to absorb the blows from my father in an apparent attempt to anesthetize and protect me.  I’ve since tried to explain this as going into mini-shock.  Of course, the pain of successive blows brought me right back to reality... but it is truly bizarre (and a little awe-inspiring) to recognize how adaptive the human brain is. 

This was also how I came to truly comprehend how my coping mechanisms, which were so effective in childhood, were utterly destructive when implemented in the adult world.  This is essentially what is meant by “maladaptive.”  For example, the "mini-shock" reaction helped me not feel the initial attacks from my father during childhood, but it put me at an absurd disadvantage during fights once I got older.  It was adaptation to my traumatic world as a kid but ended up being quite bad for me later. 

I'm not terribly concerned with addressing the particular issue related to fighting because I'm not an idiot teenager/20-something anymore and my last fight was over a decade ago.  However, there are plenty more maladaptive behaviors from childhood which I've subsequently had to overcome or are currently still trying to overcome by re-wiring my brain little by little, day after day.

The significance of this makes it worth repeating: Those coping mechanisms which served us fairly well throughout our disturbing youth are at best unhealthy during adulthood in virtually any context.  It’s okay to be self-absorbed as a child/young adult because your job is basically to focus on yourself and become the best adult version of yourself possible.  Once adulthood hits - and I mean the adulthood of responsibilities - the problems arise as you navigate workplace politics… romantic relationships… new and ever-changing social groupings... parenting your children… and all of the other ways in which adults must become those social animals evolution demand we be. 

Those preservation tactics from my youth are predicated on withdrawal, sole reliance on self, and distrust of virtually everyone.  Those tactics continue to be the ones I initially reach for even now.  I cognitively know adults don’t effectively function this way with all of the responsibilities and pressures associated with career/family/etc, but I still have to work hard at recognizing when I do these things.  That’s what I mean by “doing the work” in recovery.

I do my best to recognize when I use these maladaptive tactics, but it continues to normally come after the fact.  But that’s okay for now.  My therapist uses a football analogy.  Very rarely do you get to score on the first play of a drive.  So I shouldn’t expect myself to completely change my behaviors in this area immediately.  As long as I’m being introspective and honest with myself each time I have these maladaptive behaviors, then I’m moving the ball forward a little bit down the field.  Recognize them often enough, continue to determine more productive and positive methods which would have been better, and I’m slowly but surely retraining my brain to respond differently to various triggers… and that’s the touchdown at the end.

There's a concept called neuroplasticity about which I will go into great detail in a future post because it lies at the heart of why we can fully recover from CPTSD, unlike other diagnoses which require medication and therapy for life.  The basic idea behind neuroplasticity is that parts of the human brain were “wrecked” to a certain extent by the traumas which resulted in CPTSD, but the brain is elastic enough to withstand the wreckage and be “rewired” through recovery as with the process I just explained above.  I’ve already started seeing the results, and I’m working harder than ever as a result.

No matter how much progress you and I make in our recovery, whatever occurred during our life to necessitate recovery in the first place will always be a part of our life story.  We’ve spent so much effort dissociating ourselves willfully or not from the pain of those incidents that the mere thought of outright owning them as our own seems absurd and terrifying.  During my recovery I begrudgingly acknowledged the need to own those parts of myself that I wanted so much to push away, but it was only after many false starts that I finally “got it.” 

I can tell you from experience that this is a painful process.  Those distressing realities of our past need to be embraced as obstacles we will conquer, and only then can we dispatch their current destructive power.  We can become free and whole again by embracing our traumatic history, understanding how our previous defenses have become our current maladaptive behaviors, and then doing the work to retrain our brain away from using them.

A Quest to Help Others Recover From Child Abuse

It's trite, I know, but this really is the first day of the rest of my life.  It’s another chance to shirk the negative consequences of yesterday, learn from those mistakes, and start from this very moment to generate my own positives.  Sharing my story will absolutely benefit me as a cathartic release, and I may just be able to reach and help one or two others at the same time.

Today I've decided to just jump head first into this blog and post a little bit of the writing I've been doing as part of my recovery.  A harrowing childhood of abuse left me with a variety of physical and emotional scars, the results of which have been the downward spiral of my life to its current nadir.

Right now I have no steady income, no permanent home, have virtually no money, and I lost the few close friends I had because of divorce and the subsequent self-imposed social isolation of the past couple of years.  I’ve also recently lost my girlfriend who essentially broke things off with me just recently because she couldn’t bear all of the stressors with which I have to deal.  There wasn’t any problem between us at all.  In fact, we were a great match for each other, but the timing couldn’t have been worse.  She had to bail to save her emotional self from bearing the weight of my problems… that’s how sweet she was.

This is just some of what Complex PTSD does to a person, but these challenges can all be temporary if I lock down and continue the difficult recovery work I started over two years ago.  I know, I know… two years of therapy and I’m just now at my nadir?!  The first 3-4 months were spent dancing around the issues, the next 7-8 months were spent pulling out all of the dark demons down inside of me, and since then I’ve gone from one false recovery to another.  Let me back up for a moment, however.

Physical and psychological abuse was the ever-present guillotine hovering over my youth until I was struck for the final time as a 20-year old sophomore home from college for a holiday break.  This long chapter of my life story is the single most problematic and complicated truth I have confronted, privately or not, to this day.  I was not sexually abused, however.

I bring that up immediately because the media and society in general give relatively no attention to the men who have endured repetitive significant trauma but were neither molested as boys nor maimed physically and/or psychologically as adult combatants in armed conflict.  There’s a litany of resources for men who were young sexual-abuse victims or those who developed war-related debilitating psychological challenges.  However, I’ve been quite frustrated over the comparatively few opportunities for help specifically dedicated to the untold number of men who were “only regularly abused” as kids. 

I'm in a great position to provide at least a few more resources out there for men like me.  I'm slowly and carefully constructing a multi-faceted social media presence to that very end.  I began writing months ago, have already started by dipping my toe ever so gently into Twitter (@men_helping_men), and now this blog.  I'm not too concerned with display, layout, professionalism, etc. at this point.  I'll get to all of that eventually.

It's the information that's critical to the success of my endeavor.  I'm NOT very well acquainted with manipulating social media tools.  I write this for men like myself who’ve been too “tough” to ever ask for help with the problems they don’t like to admit even having because of a past that they don’t want to discuss.

For the record, I've been diagnosed with C-PTSD, Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia, General Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD.  I'll go into greater detail in future blogs.

I hope that my writing primarily for men with C-PTSD doesn't turn anyone else off, however.  Anyone wanting a fairly expansive first-person perspective, along with helpful details and resources, should find this blog and Twitter feed very helpful (unless I fail miserably, which I don't intend to do).

Don’t come here for sappy feel-good nonsense, either.  I'm putting nothing but reality (or at least my particular version of it) into this.  Be prepared for different reads depending on the post and my mood of the day.  One day I'll be writing as though it's a scholarly article for peer-reviewed publication, and other times I'll be very laid-back in my writing style. 

It’s important for the regular guy to "get" what I'm saying, and sounding like an academic is not the way to go.  Sometimes I'll just talk about what's happening with me that day because it's been very helpful to me to hear the stories other men have.  I've learned so much from the experiences of others, and I hope to pass along this knowledge to others.  If I'm fortunate, then I will accomplish 2 things with this:

1) Other men with experiences remotely similar to my own will come across this and realize they’re not alone.  They will understand they should not be ashamed of how their adult lives have suddenly or repeatedly been twisted up, even though the actual abuse may have ended years and even decades earlier.

2) The all-important loved ones of these men will read this and begin a path toward understanding why the guys they love so dearly repeatedly act as they do or suddenly seem to have become someone else entirely.  True recovery has a much greater chance of success if they develop a sense of what he's previously endured, how those experiences currently manifest, why they are unable or unwilling to adequately express it to you, and (most importantly) that this need not be a permanent state.  Maybe this blog will initiate the early stages of repair and end with eventual enrichment of your relationships.

I AM NOT A CLINICIAN AND DO NOT PROVIDE ANY CLINICAL ADVICE TO ANYONE.  I do have a Master's-level education in Public Health (and an MBA, for whatever that’s worth here), so I've been trained on researching and understanding medical issues.  This allows me to digest a wide variety of information about childhood abuse and CPTSD, in both academic and first-hand fashions, and then reframe in ways accessible to virtually anyone.  I want to encourage people to seek the help of a psychologist, therapist, or maybe even a psychiatrist to overcome the traumas of their past.

The thing is that I'm just now lifting myself off rock bottom... so the upshot is that anyone regularly following this blog can see the ups and downs of real recovery.  You've missed much of my opening phases of recovery, but I'll reference them from time to time.

While I’m a very cognitively-oriented guy, this isn’t about thinking my own way out of having these problems.  This is about emotions which hijack my ability to function properly or at all.  I might be the smartest guy in the room most of the time, but I still won't recover unless I'm willing to confront, accept, and process those emotions effectively.

It sucks, I won't lie.  At the outset of recovery, you'll unearth some ghastly shit that will frighten you, and then you'll realize it has been there all along seeping poison into the various parts of your life.  Just realize that this is not a permanent state of being.  Once you avail yourself of the support from your loved ones, follow the guidance of a professional clinician, maybe join a group, and you'll be on a solid path to recovery and living the life you deserve.

Finally, recovery will happen only if you truly commit to the difficult work while availing yourself of every source of assistance you can find.  Since you’re still reading, I’ll make the assumptive leap your life has imploded and is completely littered with the fragmented pieces of your former world and future dreams, and you’re desperate to reassemble them immediately.

Let me disabuse you of the notion that there are any shortcuts to true recovery… believe me because I’ve tried just about all of them.  The path you’re peering down is plagued with potholes and straight up roadblocks.  Yet so many others have successfully traversed these obstacles, as I continue to do myself, so there's no reason you can't as well.

What you find on my blog is NOT a blueprint for recovery.  Everyone’s recovery path is just as unique as the person.  What you see in my recovery as it's recorded here is not something you should necessarily follow.  Maybe it's something for you to bring into your sessions with your therapist, maybe it's discussed with your partner or best friend, or perhaps it’s just some place you can go to see there’s somebody out there even more screwed up than you are!