It’s
time to reinvent myself now, though. I’ve done much of the initial work
required to recover, but not quite all of it. However, my progress has been sufficient enough to begin advancing to the next stage. It's this period of time
in which so many things are now possible which weren't before I began my
therapy, and for the first time ever I get to do it on my own terms.
While
my marriage ended in a cluster-bomb of animosity, regret, and confusion, I can
now find a partner better suited to how I need to live happily. Not only
did my personal life run off the rails, but my career in healthcare management
and consulting is in tatters from neglect and the inability to effectively
network because of my past problems socializing as an adult.
However,
starting from scratch allows me the freedom in this neutral zone to consider
becoming a teacher/professor, maybe start an outdoors excursions outfit, or run
a small non-profit without regret or guilt that I should be out there making
well into six figures annually just because I feel an internal pressure given I
have the education and ability to easily do so.
There’s
been considerable external pressure in the past as well. Besides the fact
that I’m the golden child of the family, my ex-wife once told me the only thing
she truly cared about regarding my career was that I make at least $100k/year
for her to be comfortable. I didn't realize the impact that had on me at
the time, but thereafter I was consumed with making sure my career path brought
me into that income tier. Now I can find
a partner who doesn't care which income bracket I’m in, but she'll rather want
me for who I am and prefer I do something fulfilling that gives me a sense of
joy.
Most
of my old friends have been out of the picture after I basically went into
hiding for 2 years, but it'll be interesting to see who's still there for me as
I embark on the beginning of the post-apocalyptic chapter of my life.
It's truly exciting to think about all of the new friendships and romances I can
have without all of that emotional baggage holding me down and screwing things
up for me.
Yes,
my first real relationship after splitting from my ex-wife has recently been
snuffed out mainly because I still have not completely escaped some of the bad
habits from my past. To be specific, I subconsciously hit the
self-destruct button on any relationship when someone gets too close and I feel
vulnerable.
It's
a direct result of being abused or neglected by the people I loved and idolized
growing up. I learned then that allowing people too close to you only
results in pain. Keep them at arms' length and I'm protected. It's
amazing to look back and see the patterns across relationships of all types,
and it's even more amazing I never saw them before.
The
only exception thus far has been my ex-wife, but that's only because she's a
psychologist and could recognize and dismiss my nonsense as just that instead
of thinking it really had anything to do with her. Yet I won't go into a
downward spiral fueled by self-loathing and regret for my mistakes with this most
recent relationship. I accept it as another opportunity to recognize,
learn, and change so that it doesn't happen again. It’s easy to say, but
so damn hard to do.
So
this post is all about transitioning from whatever low point you're currently
at in your life to a more healthy and functional one. If you feel like
your life is over, then good! Unless you're dead and reading this from
the afterlife, your life is not in fact over. This means there’s a litany
of opportunities awaiting you now. It's time to relinquish the behavioral
programming from childhood and learn more sophisticated and mature
behaviors.
I'm
not saying that you should reject and ignore your old life. Never forget
that owning your past is the key to overcoming it. It's critical to
extricate the impact of our past traumas from our present reality. The
avoidance, repression, and suppression causes us to be clueless as to what's
happening around us, which was great for us when we were kids under constant
threat... but we can't afford to check out from reality as adults.
This
is what I did for a few years: I simply checked out little by little around the
time my first child was born. That adult experience of becoming a parent
triggered a jail-break release for my childhood demons who had been in
repressive purgatory... and I was simply overwhelmed emotionally. It's
similar to what happened with Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. The
defenses which held all that water at bay were simply insufficient in the face
of such a deluge.
This
was what I experienced starting a little bit before the birth of my first
born. Then came the ever-quickening descent into the black hole of CPTSD:
night terrors; flashbacks; self-loathing; you name it. That was then,
though. Now is completely different. I'm into my Neutral Zone
now. I no longer have panic attacks. I recognize my maladaptive
behaviors even though I've not completely conquered them. The point is
that my loss and grieving period is over, and now I have to figure what my new
beginning looks like. This is what the neutral zone is all about.
It's
true that I'm in a limbo of sorts because I no longer hold onto the past and
haven't quite set my future plan, but this is not filled with stress and
consternation. Yes, I'm still unsure of how to configure my future, but
I'm figuring things out little by little as I continue through this introspective
journey called recovery. In the past, this type of limbo would have
brought me crashing down to my knees, but now I'm truly enjoying this time of
discovery about myself and how I want the next half of my life to
materialize.
Don't
get it twisted, though. I still go
through some fairly craptastic days because I still grapple with the consequences
of my old world: lack of social circle, financial difficulties, legal problems,
employment difficulties, etc. However, I never expected there to be a
clear line of demarcation between the old me and the newly forming one.
This
is a transition and not just a mere change.
A change is really just a function of a singular decision or one-time situation.
My transition is an inner release of how my life was and embracing what my life
is becoming. Being in the neutral zone portion of my transition has meant
serious and rapid progress for me.
Hopefully
this will help you advance in your recovery, get past the problems of your old
life, and feel more comfortable about your own neutral zone as you realize how
much better it’s all going to get if you put the work in.
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