This
past month has been an incredible time of honest introspection. I've been in therapy for almost 3 years to
overcome the demons of my childhood, and I've learned so much during this
period. The difficulty is that I continued
to maintain a protective distance of semi-denial. I was too cognitively involved in my therapy
to truly delve into who I was, why I was that way, and how I could become
better in the ways I so desperately desired.
One
of the main problems was that I latched on far too tightly to blaming the woes
in my life on virtually everything but myself… and yet at the same time I felt
this tremendous weight of shame and guilt for having failed so spectacularly in
my life.
My
relationship of 16 years with my ex-wife was destroyed, and therefore so was
the wonderful family life I had always imagined. My career was shot. My social sphere completely dissipated, and I
was at odds with my brother and mother whom insisted I continue with my previous
repression of childhood memories and just “get over it.” They couldn't handle even discussing what had
happened to me in childhood much less be a source of comfort so, in the manner
that we have been conditioned to follow, it can never be my father’s fault.
For
the past couple of weeks I have been considering the idea that maybe I’m a
narcissist like my father. I was asked
by another person I know who’s a therapist if I had considered and, after
telling him I had, he said, “then you’re likely not a true narcissist. Narcissists very rarely believe anything is
wrong with them and even more rarely believe they’re narcissistic.”
While
that was comforting to a certain degree, I continued to be plagued with doubts
regarding his rationale. I am now fairly
open to virtually any idea regarding who I am.
I thought it was reasonably possible I was one of the few narcissists
who were self-aware enough to probe themselves, and that it wouldn't be a
surprise if I had taken on the behaviors of my father. (Of course, thinking I’m special and proceeding
to refer to myself in the third-person kind of puts somewhere on the narcissist
spectrum automatically, no?) That’s why
I conducted a fair amount of exploration into this question.
I didn't take one of those absurd online tests or anything like that, but I did
real research and tried to be as objective as a potential narcissist can
be. I knew that I could be
self-absorbed, had confidence bordering on cockiness in my abilities, and
tended to have outgoing characteristics typical of a narcissist. I’m athletic, good-looking, intelligent,
well-educated, and generally fairly high on myself as a result.
It’s
obvious that what I just wrote sound incredibly narcissistic, yet these beliefs
are directly tied to what I’ve repeatedly been told over the past 20 years. The reality is I’m not nearly as confident in
these things as others believe I am or believe themselves. Is this all just the elaborate self-delusion
of a narcissist?
I
am truly confident in my abilities because I've accomplished quite a bit. I know I’m good-looking because of what I’ve
been told and how I’m treated by those interested in men. I know I’m athletic because I can
perform. I won’t go on except to note
that I know what I said above is true in my mind, but something continued to
not sit right within me regarding these beliefs about myself. How could they?
My
life essentially imploded with the horrible brilliance of a super-nova. The previous five years of my life have been
mostly dreadful. Outside of the
unbelievable experiences I've had as a father, interspersed with other random
moments of happiness, I have more or less despised this period of my life. This begs the question: how can a narcissist
recognize the ruination of his life and yet remain supremely confident in
himself?
As
I dug further into my true self I began to realize some things that previously
seemed too contradictory to be factual.
First, I realized my self-absorption was actually a corrective measure for
the anxiety, shame, and lack of self-confidence which were all literally or
psychologically beaten into me by my father.
It
has also become clear to me that the arrogance and swagger I broadcast to the
world is actually a façade to conceal my true lack of self-esteem. This was actually how I kept hidden the
constant fear of failure within me. The ever-present
yet unacknowledged guilt within me precluded me from taking responsibility for
my actions opting to blame anyone or anything else for my misfortune.
Now
that I have failed in a most complete fashion, however, it seems that I've been
liberated to a certain extent. I am no
longer the golden child of my family roundly expected to do wonderful things
and take care of everyone else. People
don’t believe me to be the wunderkind with so much potential and ability. I’m now just another abject lesson in what
can happen when someone is too proud and in denial to reach out for the help
therapy and recovery offers survivors of prolonged physical and psychological
traumas.
I’ve
come to understand that this sort of honesty about myself is not the way of the
narcissist. This is how survivors of
child abuse often compensate when they’re brow-beaten for the initial twenty
years of their life. My talents and
abilities only made it easier for me to accomplish the trick of self-deception. School came easy for me as did athletics,
attracting girls, performing on stage, professional work, making friends, and
most other areas of my life. Admitting I
had deep-rooted issues brewing within simply wasn't going to happen so long as
I appeared to be successful and happy externally.
However,
this newly-found insight can be dangerous to my recovery. I need to guard against no longer believing I
have those traits and abilities expressed above. These past years have been very damaging to
my sense of self-worth and intrinsic value, so acknowledging my positive
attributes is critical to regaining the resilience I once had in spades. My problem stemmed from a combination of not
dealing with the more deep-seated challenges at the core of my being and not
being sufficiently humble about the wonderful advantages Mother Nature bestowed
upon me.
The
former problem is being handled through all of my recovery work with my
psychologist, my own introspection, and self-applied research. The issue of humility has only recently been
addressed. I actually swung incredibly
hard that other way and have been feeling serious negativity about all aspects
of myself over the past few months culminating in suicidal ideations.
I
never made any real plans or took any action towards actually attempting
suicide or even a suicidal gesture.
There’s no question, though… the guilt, self-loathing, fear, lack of
confidence, and overall anger at what I had become drove me to a serious level
of sadness. It wasn't depression in the
clinical sense really, but rather more of an intense misery regarding my state
at the time.
These
are not things with which narcissists are weighed down.
I've learned that there’s a healthy way to acknowledge the positive attributes about
myself, and it’s very important that I do exactly that. I’m not a narcissist and I never was. I’ll venture that many people presumed I was
even though nobody has ever accused me of it.
The wonderful truth I now understand is that I am not responsible
for explaining myself or my past to anyone.
Besides, for better or worse, I have largely wiped the slate clean of
those from my previous life and can move forward as the person I truly am.
I’m
rebuilding a healthy confidence and tapping back into the resilience I used to
survive my youth while being careful to not fall into the maladaptive behaviors
which went hand-in-hand. This has been a
tremendous breakthrough for me, and I finally understand what having a healthy sense
of self is all about.
No comments:
Post a Comment